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We've all been guilty of that at some point in our lives. Don't worry, you're a good person, and I'm sure you meant nothing malicious by it.

Written by babz, 20. Jul 2008 09:13 PM

Hi Cate

I read your diary as you having high expectations of yourself and others. I'm not sure how realistic and helpful this is.

For myself it all comes down to 'the intentions' when dealing with the complex ways in which us humans relate and communicate with each other. If mine and anothers intentions are good or at least innocuous then this is good enough for me.

I do not see the relaying of information between friends as necessarily gossiping. Personally I loathe secrets (other than those that do not hurt self or other and which I keep if asked specifically) and am very upfront with my friends about this. If the intention is to slight another or gratutious in nature than that is another story and a challenge to us all to rethink the need to go there... but I and others can do this on occassion, and I am tolerant and forgiving of this. Again 'the intention' is foremost in my considerations and held in context of the entire person.

To have too high expectations of self and others can be a very slippery slope indeed as it sets us up to be judgemental, critical, exclusive and divisive. There is no perfection when dealing with human beings, instead I see it as an individuals personal journey to develop and abide by morals and ethics and to seek personal integrity, however slips are likely, and accepting this is part of a healthy mindset I believe. I do not believe that this gives people an excuse to act poorly though.

I am uncomfortable with the notion of perfection... I believe it to be unattainable. Guilt is another thought system that I believe serves little purpose other than to alert us to the potential need to make changes. After that I believe it to be a useless and destructive place to reside.

Feeling bad can be an indicator that change is needed, from a behaviour to a shift in perception. Like any emotion it plays a role and only becomes a problem when overindulged and clung to. Thoughts, feelings, situation will all pass if allowed to as change is perpetual. We also always have choices whether obvious or not and whether we believe it or not.

Cate, I hope you can forgive yourself for any transgressions you feel have misrepresented your personal morals and ethics and dented your integrity, though only you can know this, and that you work through what has been raised for you and can eventually let go the bad and guilty thoughts that you speak of.

Challenge the black and white thinking of believing you have no relationships and life to speak of, as this is clearly untrue.

I admire your loathing of gratuitous gossiping and for being self and other aware... however aportioning guilt and shame perhaps is worthy of a rethink in the context of all who you are.

You're allowed to make mistakes Cate... we all are. Don't beat yourself up. Lighten up, learn from the situation, forgive yourself and others, grow and move on... this is life. Progress not perfection.

Take care and warm regards from your imperfect and happy to be so friend
Nickhy xx

Written by Alchemy, 21. Jul 2008 09:06 AM

Hey CB,
I agree with Alchemy, sometimes we do things to fulfill some need deep in our sub concious, and its up to us to explore that. Perhapse we are lonely and just need any type of conversation to void the lonlieness? A piece of advice that was valuable to me during my studies came from a Blood stock agent- we die learning! And one of our Paradigms was 'knowing is for doing'!
I've often found myself in your situation and have had to think 10 paces infront, or - a week or month down the track - would this be helpful to me in the future, and Murphys Law it probably won't be - so I find myself listening to the other persons gripes with another in my circle of friends and tell myself 'keep your mouth shut'! as often, what people 'don't know can't hurt them!'

Possibly another approach we as humans can try is to be 'assertive' with that person and acknowledge what they are saying-"I hear what your saying" - but explain the person is a good friend to me as well but perhaps they could seek a professional to air it with?

The important thing here though is what you are feeling right now under the circumstances, acknowlege whats happened and try to do something for yourself to feel better about it now!
Sometimes when i am distressed I run a steaming hot shower and follow a mental mantra "Im going to have a shower to wash the day away" over and over and visualise all the days crap going down the drain with the water! If that doesn't work, I keep a bottle of bathroom spray and a scrubbing brush in my shower and kill 3 birds with one stone, wash me, cry if i need too, scrub the guts out of the shower recess so when Im finnished its all clean and I've expelled the negitivity! - needless to say lucky my hot water sytem reheats itself!

These are just simple cognitive behavioural skills but if all else fails, in time this moment will be over and done with and there will be another moment in your here and now to focus on!

Written by Ozcat, 21. Jul 2008 11:52 AM

Was chattin 2 Dave ages ago & asked him if he'd seen Babz lately-he hadnt.
Told him she came to visit me in hosp, was all dolled up, had lost a shitload of weight & looked absolutely gorgeous! He was pleased to know she was doin ok.
Gossiping CAN b good.

Written by Gyps, 21. Jul 2008 12:38 PM

& I didnt just write that to make myself look good to Babz, I was just giving u an example.
Babz already knows I told Dave that, I told her in passing the next time I saw her, th look of surprise & delight on her face was priceless!
I call it how it is...

Written by Gyps, 21. Jul 2008 12:48 PM