Bye To Everyone In Chat
A page in the diary "The Days Of My Life"
Written by lifesucks 7. Feb 2008 01:12 AM
For those who weren't in chat tonight I wanted to say goodbye to you all. No matter how hard I try I really feel that I do not fit in. So many times I try to either join in or start a conversation only to feel like I don't exist.
I am not blaming anyone on chat so please don't feel like I am. All my life I have felt like the black sheep and I really can't see anything changing. My doctor suggested that my husband arrange for us to see a marriage counsellor and he told the doc that he would. He had a couple of days off work and never bothered to do anything about it. I guess it shows he doesn't want me either.
As for my two beautiful boys, as long as they are getting what they want then they are happy too! They really don't need their mother now either.
My birthmother didn't care about how I felt about anything and everything always has to be about her life. My birth father promised to do things with me and then just left and I haven't heard from him since.
My Dad has always been really critical of everything I do and I have always felt that if I didn't achieve that I was not good enough.
My psychiatrist wouldn't listen to me last week when I told him how I was feeling. He changed my medication and has given me one that causes drowsiness in the hope to reduce some of the anxiety. The last time I was on something like this I fell asleep on the floor when my eldest was a toddler. I asked him what I should do next time I felt like there was no hope and he said that that the hospital that I should contact isn't worth the effort.
I saw my GP today and tried to explain to him how I was feeling also. He told me to go for a few walks and come back in three weeks.
What none of these doctor's seem to get is that I find it really hard to explain how I feel. Sometimes I can present as though things are going really well but then the second that something goes wrong I am left feeling so alone and with no hope. My psychologist has said that because of the adoption, death of my adoptive mother when I was five and the sexual abuse for a number of years plus the fact that my adoptive father never told me he loved me the whole time I was growing up or held me for that matter, I haven't learnt the necessary adult coping skills that most people have.
So this makes coping in the big world extremely difficult for me. Add to that paruresis and you have a reason to feel like there is no hope for me at all. I don't want to spend my life living with all this pain and feeling as though there is such a void in my heart.
I know that I have let everyone down because I can't cope with the hand I have been dealt in life and I am sorry. This place is truly better off without me.
I have a message for one special person from chat and they know who they are. I am really sorry for hurting you the way I did. Please know that I never meant to because you mean so much to me. Thankyou for the time you spent trying to help me through this crap but at the end of the day I feel I have failed you and more importantly I have failed myself. I should know that anything that seems too good to be true usually is. Please know that the last few weeks have been the happiest that I have had. I felt a love like I have never felt in my life before and it was truly magical. You reached out to me and gave me hope when I thought my life had no purpose and now all I have managed to do is destroy our friendship. I am truly sorry. I hope that one day maybe you can forgive me.
Take care everyone and I hope that things work out for each and everyone on of you. You are all good people and deserve to be happy.