A Day To Remember
A page in the diary "The Days Of My Life"
Written by lifesucks 27. Jul 2008 04:28 AM
The 26th July 2008 made it 39 years since my Mum died of stomach cancer. I was five years old at the time and wasn't fully aware of the enormity of the situation. I so clearly remember standing outside the front gate of my Aunties house cying my eyes out because my Dad was leaving. I remember saying to him that I wanted to go to the funeral to see the angels take her away.
My Dad probably did me a favour as I lived with that thought for a number of years. Every night I would look up at the stars and thought she was up there with the angels.
I was an only child and my Dad was busy working and doing his best to provide for me. He withdrew emotionally and physically and I felt alone and abandoned. He didn't hug me or tell me he loved me in all the years of my childhood however he did his best to make sure my physical needs were met. He is a good man.
During my years at primary school I would hear the other kids talk about their Mum's and Dad's, brothers and sisters and I wanted my Mum and a brother or sister. The tears I cried at the front gate of my Aunties house were basically the only ones that ever came out until Mother's Day this year.
I was afraid to let my Dad see me upset and at school I wanted to be strong, not a sook, so I buried all the pain. Over the years it was buried further and further and I became very angry and hated the world.
I would go to the cemetery with my Dad as a child and then as a teenager I avoided it all together. In 1991, the year my eldest son was born I went back there with my Dad however I felt I still had to be strong. I would have only gone a handful of times with him during my married life.
After starting to see my psychologist in August last year I became aware of just how much pain I was in. I knew that I had accepted her death in a physical sense and that I would never see her again however emotionally there was still a little girl who wanted her mother so desperately.
This was the beginning of a huge rollercoaster ride for me. There were a lot of issues in my childhood that needed to be dealt with including grieving the loss of my mother. On Mother's Day this year I did my first trip to the cemetery on my own. I put flowers on her grave and I cried.
Yesterday being the anniversary of her death I headed back there for the second time on my own. I took some flowers and again carefully arranged them in the pots. Roses were always her favourite. The tears were there again however this time I wasn't scared to feel what I was feeling. It was okay to cry and feel pain.
I know I still have such a long way to go however I can say that I am generally feeling stronger in myself each day. Admittedly I have also had a medication change but I feel that is okay too. The meds are helping me to stay in a place that I can work through my feelings and for the first time I can actually say that I don’t think I will need them for the rest of my life.
I am okay.
Jen