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disturbing (maybe for some) letter - WITH UPDATE

A page in the diary "Steve the Diary"
Written by winterrain 8. Oct 2007 10:44 PM

I wrote all this in an email to my only out of depnet friend and he couldn't help me so I'm opening it to the public forum...to those who don't know - Peter is the guy I was dating for a year who smashed my heart by dumping me from India, Ben is his twin brother and Brad is his best friend....

So - When I had the abortion, I told Peter he could tell whoever he wanted - in fact i wanted everyone to know what a crap position he was putting me in, yet he told me he told no one. I asked him straight out, many times, over the period of at least 4 weeks if he had told Ben or Brad and he said no - they might think something is going on, but no they didn't know.
Then one day I went out for coffee with Emma - Bens partner - this was the first time she'd seen me since the abortion, and was very concerned about how I was coping with it...notice the missing link - I didn't tell her about it, not wearing a shirt with "recently aborted baby" on the front....so I went and confronted Peter and apparently he told Ben and Brad the day before my abortion and was waiting for the right time to tell me - when I had said he could tell anyone and really could have used emmas support, in fact anyones support.
This is why I'm wondering if he was just straight out lying to me about coming back to me, about falling back in love with me, just until he was in a place where it was easier for him, and thats killing me, just months of STUPID lies - firstly so I'd sleep with him, then for what, he developed sex phobia - so was it just because he made me abort my baby by saying he'd give us another chance if I did?

Does it take months and months to fall 'back' in love with someone when you've already known them a year?

And the worst bit is I can't ask him any of this, because he'd just ignore it. Or lie. If he ignored me asking if he was with someone how would he respond to the above.

Its doing my head in - I'm so tired of the lies and games and uncertainty of life and love and trying to trust my heart to it again and again.

what do i do? or what was he doing? why do guys just like playing with me and using me when all i give is love and respect and don't ask for anything in return?

I miss my baby.

____________________________________________________

Thanks guys that means a lot. I don't define me by what he thinks of me anymore, I'd just love to know why, when I finally thought I was over this, it has all come back to me...you're right - I'll never know and that hurts. He named a star after our baby then ripped my heart to shreds, I don't understand, I never will, I'm not cruel, I care...I'm not in love with him anymore just in pain, so yes, i am going to get on with my life and be happy, or try to, but I'm scared and lonely and sad.

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Comments from the community:

jeez, you poor thing. you did need support, and you have every right to grieve and be heard about this.

gonna jump straight in here - he may well lie if he feels any pressure to be there for you. seems to me (from the small snapshot of how you see him) that the guy is immature and avoids anything remotely like being pinned down cos he just isn't ready. love? I think you already know the answer to that one. till he gets what he's put you through, he's not going to really be enough of a grown-up to have an adult relationship. You wanna be waiting for that?

Written by mrsmooch, 8. Oct 2007 11:13 PM

This is all just my opinion, quite possibly wrong, but it is all I have to offer you.

I don't think Peter lied to you just to get you to abort your baby. From the picture you've painted of him he doesn't have the intelligence, or the maturity to pull that off (I'm starting to think that your baby had more intelligence than this guy). However, being stupid doesn't excuse his behaviour and he has a hell of a lot to answer for. Unfortunately, I think it is more than likely that you'll be waiting your whole life for the answers that you want. So as much as it sucks, and as hard as it is going to be, you need to pick up the pieces of your life and you need to move on. You need to redefine your happiness - by that I mean you need to learn to validate yourself, not be validated by other people.

So as much as it is a pain in the ass to do, keep studying if it makes you happy, audition for VCA or BAPA if that will make you happy. Hell, run off and join Cirque du Soleil if that will make you happy! My point is that if you can't be happy without his validation, you're going to lead one very miserable life. He is a prick, pure and simple. Some guys are pricks. Some girls are bitches. As much as it may not seem like it, the prickish and/or bitchy people are in the minority.

I do realise that this is the pot calling the kettle black, so feel free to tell me you'll listen to me when I practice what I preach. I hope it helps anyway though - it's coming from a place that means well.

Written by babz, 9. Oct 2007 01:49 AM

Winterrain

I think MrsMooch and Babz have hit the nail on the head for two possibilities. Remember we don't know the full situation except in a written version and it is hard to tell sometimes what a person is saying in writing but I think the truth is he is a liar and wanted bub aborted and was happy it happened.

Hope you are strong enough to cope with the comments put in your diary about this matter.

Go Winterrain!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 9. Oct 2007 02:55 PM

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