A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 26. Apr 2008 06:24 PM
having a rough time. i think it started wednesday night i went to sleep at 3.30 and woke up at 5.30 and then i was awake all day until 4am saturday last night i got about six hours but i still feel like im losing my mind.
i cant shake the feeling of being alone i dont know anymore why i find it so hard to relate to people i dont understand them they dont understand how i think sometimes i feel like the world is just inside my head and everything disappears i cant operate in reality i am so consumed by thought i cant focus or do anything i poured cold water into a petrol tank today by accident i dont know why i was getting a drink and i was about to fill the brushcutter and yeah. lucky it wasnt the other way around i guess.
its just i sit here and think about how everything is gone and how i did everything by myself and i cant rely on anybody else and i wonder will i always feel like this. will this always be missing from my life? will i always be living in the moment because i have some delusion that the future will be ok. because i cant not see life that way, i cant see a future without it and i know it'll never happen so its just this constant loop of self awareness. of refracted light and eggshells and images of the past all floating in my head while my thoughts try to make sense.
once i slept next to this girl and she was really messed up. as she fell asleep she like jittered and jumped and she said her body never shuts off it wants to keep going all the time. i wondered how much she knew about herself and the things that worried her. but shes always happy, always outgoing, even if she is fucking dying on the inside. most people buy her crap, to them she's slightly crazy but you know, shes doesn't ever look like she is suffering. i mean im good at it, but i dont know how she does it.
i really just want to smash something!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wont though.