im starting to wonder if ive lost my mind
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 22. Mar 2008 11:23 AM
last night i had this idea to type out a letter full of everything that predominantly occupies my mind and present it to my psychiatrist when i first meet him so that i could maybe just have him know everything first off. that way i could avoid my usual pattern of sitting there avoiding anything of importance ("my family stresses me out").
anyway i read through it just now and it gave me a slight vibe of insanity. but it also still makes perfect sense to me, so, i dont know. i feel good today. ive hit that high, found my happy place in the world, and it feels fanfrickentastic. anyway, here it is:
the state of my mind is currently altered, so, i felt like writing.
i drink too much.
i smoke too much.
i use marijuana whenever life gets unbearable.
i steal peoples ideas and thoughts and present them as my own.
i ruin friendships by pushing people away or pretending they are someone they aren't thus encouraging a friendship based on lies and manipulation.
i freeze up around people. i feel like i have nothing to say to anybody.
i live in the hope that someday ill meet someone who thinks like i do and somehow this will magically transform my life.
i have no particular desire to achieve anything before that point.
all i care about until i meet my brain twin is finding out about the best music and books and art and reading about science and the universe. also i like thinking about how perfect the world could be if things were just a little different. its not rocket science all we have to do is accept and help eachother. is this narcissism? because it seems logical to me. i have nothing to offer the world and the world has nothing to offer me. what i want can only exist in moments, intangible. the best moments of my life have been when i finally reach that high of complete clarity and objectivity about something. knowledge is what i desire.
i look down on my friends because i think they are stupid and bigoted. they look down on me because i have opinions when i shouldnt because i dont contribute to society.
i cannot stay interested in anything for longer than a day.
i have a strong feeling that somehow things will work out, even though im not superstitious and believe that human preoccupation bears no influence upon the universe. maybe because i feel like im at the place where its the worst, that some day ill actually get it, and ill look back at this and go 'holy fuck im so glad im not back there' like i do now when i think back to a few years ago and the state i was in.
music is my life. i listen all day every day. i am addicted. i think my brain is addicted. i get grumpy and edgy if i go more than an hour or two without some kind of auditory stimulation. sometimes i think to myself 'im so sick of this song' yet i am complelled to listen on repeat for possibly hours just burning the song into my memory because its so beautiful. and sometimes they pop into my head as if the band were playing right infront of me, loud and clear and like a record. more and more i find myself actually singing and bopping around wherever i go. i love it so much i dont care how crazy i seem. sometimes i lay awake hypothesising, what would i do if i went deaf?
i believe depression is a blessing. if i wasn't so introspective i would be just like them. some people really do live in a fools paradise. i am proud of the pain i have gotten through by accepting some hard truths about life and death. not even accepting them but living in awe of them. if that makes me the weird one, if it is deemed so strange to stop and look at yourself and the world around you from several different perspectives then i dont really want a part of that society.
im just annoyed that everyone thinks this is some disorder that will go away when i get a job and a life. really? will everything make sense then? because im not gonna really forget about this stuff. i dont understand why the world runs like this. i dont understand any of it. its all so unnatural and cruel and shameful. we are probably as aware of the universe as its gonna get of itself, and this is what happens? the universe is just like a big waste of time. there's all this incredible stuff going on and everyones worried about desperate housewives and slitting eachothers throats over meaningless random imaginary differences.
i feel sad to think about the path humanity has taken and the future it faces. but i feel incredibly lucky to have seen just a glimpse of it. im feeling quite apocolyptic, which is new for 2am saturday.
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is it a good idea to tell my pychiatrist any of this?