jack o' diamonds
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 19. Mar 2008 11:00 PM
i was having a good day but tonight is crap. i dont know, i was cooking dinner, singing and dancing around the kitchen, i was super hungry and i baked this big vegetable dish and couldnt wait to eat it then i sat down and lost my appetite. now im listening to highwayman and feeling anxious and sad. who'd have thought id ever like country music. turns out i do. old 70s proper country music is incredible. i suppose i get turned off by keith urban and such but it just took a little more investigating. another genre to tick off!
i hate feeling restless. crap. its like nothing is satisfying. theres a bottle of wine in the fridge but i really dont feel like it. a first for me.
a friend asked me the other day what would i do if i could do anything i wanted to career-wise? i couldnt think of anything. i still cant. i have no desire to achieve anything. i just do things as i think of them if they are practical things to do. i dont really want to have to decide on something. i feel like theres no point living my life if i already know what'll happen. i dont know. it takes away the mystery and excitement. i dont like definity. is that a word? i dont think so but oh wells. i understand what im saying.
i mean there aren't really any rules for this thing? i suppose we live in a world where you do certain things and contribute to society and do all the little things you find fulfilling and important. but im more cynical than that. this whole thing is a big joke to me. its all too absurd. i dontt hink ill ever be able to take my life seriously. i even hate using the word 'life' in that context. it implies that you are about one thing, defines you by you've spent your time or what you think will someday be a good way to spend your time. i dont know.
last weekend i was cuddling in bed holding hands with someone i am friends with and i was thinking to myself how i wasnt really there and didnt care to be, even though in the past and very recent past its all i could think about doing. in that moment though i felt more alone than i did on the nights i sleep by myself. i think i realised thats because i know it wont be like that again. ill probably never hold her like that again because we're too different. even though i care so much. even though i could care more. this is why i stay away from romantic interests.