its elliott smith tuesday, yo
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 4. Mar 2008 03:25 PM
in 48 hrs i have to get on a train.
i cant wait. i love that time on the train. i could just travel forever without really going anywhere. i think there's something quietly thrilling about being stuck on a train, nobody can call you, you find out a lot about strangers lives, and you have nothing to do except stare out a big window for hours. i really love it. some people think its a bother, but id do it every day if i could.
a few weeks ago in newcastle i went to get takeout chinese. i was waiting across the road sitting on the curb having a smoke. and i was watching all the people eating. and there was this family eating. and i thought about how it used to be exciting to go out for dinner with my mum and dad and brother. i felt kind of sad. everything used to taste so good, and it was such a treat. even cola tasted better back then. and i looked at them and thought about how one day maybe that girl sitting with her family will look back at that night and wish things were still so easy. and i thought about how sad it is to know that one day it wont be fun anymore, one day she'll be an adult and just be this big mess like the rest of us. and i wondered if her parents knew that, if my parents knew that, and they remembered how fun it was when they were a kid, and how someday i would be a mess, and i would have these moments to look back on. or maybe they were just hungry.
so im just putting a while bunch of albums on my mp3 player. when i go on the train i get heaps of music i havent given enough time to and listen to it. its fun. but right now im listening to elliott smith, because the guy owns my heart. i never feel sad or alone when i play his music. kind of weird, because it's very sad and lonely music.
ive never had recurring dreams really, until the last fortnight. its a strange feeling. i sleep really weird too, like i never know where i am when i wake up, so i try to guess before i open my eyes. it's the weirdest feeling.
even though im looking forward to the trip, im apprehensive about my destination. things arent so great back there, and i feel like every trip there is a big step backwards. when a friendship of eight years is wittled down to nothing, its hard to bring it back. nobody forgets that feeling of love and loyalty and having someone there, but it doesn't matter if you just dont fit in eachothers lives anymore. its not enough. and we've dragged it on too long. i dont know how to say to the most important person in the world to me that i dont really want to see them ever again. and i realise i just cant do it because i think back to moments and promises and hardships shared and everything stares me in the face until i pretend to enjoy the present so i can hang on to the past.
i dont know how it got to that. i dont know what i did. how deluded i was. how i told all those lies and made up all those truths and in the process destroyed everything. i had no idea my thoughts could be damaging like that. i thought i was safe just thinking them, and i guess i was, but i had to go and say them out loud. and it felt good for a while, but not now. now just feels like i fucked everything up, and i get to live with it forever.