bitterweet
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 27. Feb 2008 01:53 PM
i could not be more conflicted right now if i wanted to. one of the most incredible things is happeneing, but i can't enjoy it because of my messed up self.
i went to the doctor, just got home. oh my god. i cant believe it. i really cant. i am fuming with anger. i told him i DONT KNOW WHO I AM anymore and he said 'here have a self help book' and i said ' thats nice and all but i don't have the concentration powers to read that book' and then he just hummed and sang his way through the rest of it, ignoring questions i asked, not giving me a referral to an immuniologist about my fucking hair falling out. why? why me? why does this happen. i cannot communicate with ANYBODY and i feel lost and alone and like im just not even living in the same world as anyone else. nothing has changed since i first saw him two years ago, except that now i have thought myself into the bottom of a well and im never coming back out. ever. this is it. this is my life. locking myself away, its just my room floating in the universe and all thats outside these for walls and space and darkness. thats fine with me.
anyway, this super amazing thing is happening. a tv show is about to get cancelled, and im part of its fanbase, a loyal and long time supporter because this tv show is about two girls in love and its EVERYTHING to some people. it's hope and acceptance and feeling safe and escape from intolerance. i cant explain how amazing it is to be a part of this. anyway, it's cancelled, mostly cos of homophobia, and that really hurts. homophobia is a huge source of abuish for the gay community, more than you'd imagine. it's a fact that gay people suffer higher rates of mental health issues, homelessness and suicide. it is a great shame i think for humanity. to me there's no difference between racism and homophobia, or heterosexism it's sometimes called due to the fact it's not an actual phobia, but an ignorant conviction. and just like racism i think heterosexism will be looked back on as a great shame where many lives were lost because of bigotry. it's extremely important to me. probably what i live for, civil rights. i will support any group fighting for equality and the freedom to be who tey are. because i don't have that freedom, i know how they feel, and i look at the future with dread because this will never change. we won't survive this refusal to accept what we are.
this show has literally saved lives. so we're trying to save the show. anyway, ive never been so proactive in my life. network executives are shitting themselves, the word is spreading fast that our community won't stand for intolerance like this. it so great to have power and use it. they have annoyed off a lot of people and no one will rest until the network folds. anyway, fighting for this is very important to me right now. it would be my saddest regret to not have stood up to this.
i have to go and fix the lawn mower now.