another day inside my head
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 23. Feb 2008 10:16 PM
i was watching this video, the one of the missile that blew up the satellite the other day, wow it's awesome. but a little hard to fathom, you know, the whole vacuum of space and no sound thing. plus, hydrazine and all these crazy theories people have about it, and about the missile in general. people think it's all some conspiracy, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was. so is it possible to conspire against someone who doesn't give a shit what you do?
also was thinking about altruism in objective reality, don't get me wrong, i'm a fucking idiot, i get so confused about objectivity it's not funny. but this one bothers me, that everything is selfishly motivated, and i spose i've read about it before in the selfish gene. but this particular thing i read was very convincing and not as sterile as a scientific article can be... opposed to say, philosophic. or, free thinking, or, whatever. i dont know. yeah. look? im doing that thing. i cannot even commit to my own sentence let alone my convictions.
im doing first aid this weekend, 8am this morning til 4pm, same tomorrow. i was awake at 6am, and i can't believe i didn't notice how horrific that time of day really is, my mother calls it the best part of the day. but gosh i can't stand it. it seems like such a stretch to the afternoon when you're looking at the day from 6am. i cannot stand it, it's so bright and chirpy and smells like effort and ability and reward. i like my silent and still 3am, where sounds are sharp and clear and it's like you're the only person alive and you're watching all the worlds little night time secrets that no one else gets to see. i dont know. its all very romantic, and there's nothing attractive to me about how i feel and the things i see at 6am. but at three am, i shine. there's no cars, no machines, no sun. it's like having a cubby made of time.
so yeah, first aid certificate. its nice i suppose to do these things, its just very maddening sitting below those fluroescent lights in hard chairs at old desks. it is So Hard To Stay Awake. butttttttt i do feel more confident when i do one of these courses, you never know when you'll be thankful for it.
seeing the doctor this coming thursday... ive been wondering what ill tell him. and im just going to demand everything. i want a full blood test, appointment with a few specialists, and sort this crap out for good. cos really, life is just passing me by. and that makes me sad. makes me feel slightly pathetic and sad. haha, ill have to remember that for my next job interview when they ask for some words id use to describe myself. Pathetic. Sad. Semi-Conscious.
well im definately going to go and force myself to sleep right now. gotta be up at 7am. on a sunday, gosh, really. lucky this course is free. nah. it'll do me good.