nighthawks
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 17. Feb 2008 02:42 AM
i found myself not doing much of anything today. watched a few dvds. sat around. i was feeling sick all day - keep forgetting to take zoloft - but i took it a while og so i feel a bit better. i dont have any plans tonight except to watch rage because i checked out the playlist and it looks great.
lately i just tend to go on endlessly about all kinds of nonsense. i think because im high. i d ont know. but i had the weirdest thought last night i was laying on the hammock, staring at the stars and suddenly i was hyper-aware of space and i felt kind of paralysed with fear, like some sort of vertigo, i really felt how far away the stars felt and how its just me and all this space and it was really, really weird. i suppose i should refrain from thinking about it.
also, i was really sick this week. i get this thing in my throat, i have no idea what it is, it like grows it this lump and it gets really big and when its really big i know its going to get super sore. its like having a razorblade stuck in my throat. then it just disappears and i dont see it again for a few months. i wonder what it is.
so yeah. thats my week. my birthday was nice and quiet. i got a book about edward hopper and some john steinbecks and a few other nice novels. and three blocks of chocolate which are slowly disappearing.
my brother has been relentless. i feel like i live in an insitution, or some kind of mental ward, or something like that. some kind of eternal nightmare where you cant see anyones face and its just all these voices and you cant think for yourself or do anything. you're just stuck listening to this voice interrupting your logic all day long. oh shit. and i have to do it every day and its wearing so thin, and i dont know what to do about that. what can i do. i cant do anything. theres nothing to be done. maybe buy some earplugs?
gone off alcohol lately. which is great because, im killing myself here. too much alcohol. im scared of how its going to make me look, like, how itll age me. i see women who were smokers and drinkers and it aint so nice. but, im 23 now, i still get asked what high school i go to. so thats ok i guess. but im guessing in my 30's ill just wake up one day and look 55.
people keep saying how ive lost weight. which is great and all, but i wish they wouldn't. i dont care about peoples weight. i dont think to mention it to them. and i feel like the whole time we were talking before they said that to me they were probably looking me up and down thinking 'she doesn't look as fat as she did' not that i have an issue with my body, i couldnt care less if they think im fat or skinny or losing weight or gaining weight. i just dont see why its something to freely comment on. it irks me. its like my body, i dont want to know what you think of it. ever. it is annoying.
anyway, that was stupid of me.
so im trying to get to sleep. iwatched a tv show and then i decided to find a jumper and go for a smoke and i found this great old jumper and now ive decided to dress lick a homeless person because i have to wear a beanie because my hair is falling out and im sick of it being everywhere. i might go to the doctor this week. i have to see the genetic counsellor on thursday so thatll be fun. i found some great music today. listening to it now. its good. especially this chorus from this song i found:
Yeah Yeah we can all grab at the chance and be handsome farmers,
Yeah you can have twenty one sons and be blood when they marry my daughters,
And the pain that we left at the station will stay in a jar behind us.
We can pickle the pain into blue ribbon winners at county contests.
isnt that neat? it sounds great. i like finding new music, and it seems so infinite that ill probably be doing it forever. god i shouldnt look in the mirror i look like shit. i look completely insane. my eyes have dark rings around them and im so pale and exhausted looking. i need sleep. and a shower at some stage would be good. too late now i guess. i hate not living by myself.
ehrkwjehrjkwehrrrrrrrrr.