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lupus

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Written by zombieluv 9. Feb 2008 01:06 PM

my aunty has lupus. recently i stayed with her. every time i see her she spends a lot of time trying to convince me that i have it. i tell her i had the blood test for the antibodies and it was negative. but so was hers.

and it makes sense to me that i might have it. im horribly photosensitive, headaches, fatigue, skin rash after being in the sun, my hair is falling out at an alarming rate, and its getting freakishly grey, i have some kind of raynauds but i think its from cigarettes. so i dont know. i really dont want to know about it. because i get so confused.

does drinking and drugs make me sick, or do i do them because i am sick?

am i depressed cos of lupus, or does depression give me all these symptoms?

or is it the stress of keeping a secret.

does it make a diffference? i dont know why im putting this here. i should see a doctor. i should. and i would if i didnt have a big complex about it. i have serious trouble communicating with doctors. once i tried writing everything down and the bitch didnt even read it. she's still trying to get me to pay the bill for that visit. she said "what are you doing here?" so i thought well shit, obviously nothing, seeya.

im going to see cat power soon. i cant wait. chan marshall owns my metaphorical soul.

im just so over constantly feeling like shit. constantly forgetting things. constantly living in a daze. never moving forward. never taking things serious. avoiding people. avoiding emotion. feeling exhausted just from thinking. having such a short fuse. needing to be out of it all the time. so tired of it. this is not how i wanted to spend my twenties. i want to party and meet people. ive never been one for passions or goals, ill never live according to my idea of something, i just want to be me. but i dont want this. its not like im devoid of all pleasure, i live for music/film/tv/books, and wow they do so much for me. but it doesn't make up for human interaction. so what is it? is it just a chemical imbalance? cos really, all that seems kind of drastic. it must have been my upbringing. my mother is all kinds of neurotic. so i guess that played a part. i dont know. i dont know anything, im just so tired of living from minute to minute, hoping that someday something great will just happen out of nowhere.

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Comments from the community:

Zombie

Go to the doctor and tell them the whole damn story of the lupus and make sure you don't have it. Sorry hun I don't know much about it but you need to know if it is part of your depression or you worrying needlessly about it. Maybe talk to your psychiatrist about it if you can't do it with the gp - that one obviously didn't give a rats about you. Your psychologist may be able to help you. Hun, stress of keeping secrets doesn't help your health/depression/anxiety/mood. Believe me I know that from my honesty entry. I still have the secret that my partner and friend don't know about.

As for your complex about seeing doctors, that probably isn't helping the situation given the bad experience you had with the gp so either go to another gp or write all your questions/issues for the psychologist/psychiatrist and let them speak to you about them one thing at a time. My psychiatrist answers all my questions that I give him because it keeps me on track with what we have discussed/helps me not forget what we have discussed. Please give it another go and get a blood test for the lupus or anything else that could be causing your symptoms.

Go Zombie!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 9. Feb 2008 05:04 PM

Hi Zombie,
Sorry you are going through this. I have been going through the same thing and what I have been diagnosed with is Non Specific Auto Immune Disease - It is very similar to Lupus. I have been tested for Lupus but because it depends where you are in your cycle as to what results will be. The term Lupus means Wolf.
Your symptons sound so much like me. I had 2 grand mal seizures and needed medication for years. I was on cortisone, immune supressant drugs, epilim.
I ended up going to a doctor that dealt specifically with hormone levels - he put me on tablets and man it did make a difference.
From experience Zombie, you can have a fairly ok life. It is hard with kids when the energy levels are shit but you have to put yourself first, and you will find that friends will distance themselves from you because u need to rest.
I hope things work out for you and if you would like to have a chat, please let me know.
Take care and look after yourself
Lynne

Written by chookie67, 9. Feb 2008 07:39 PM

Dear Zombieluv
It is very important for you to persist and find a doctor you felel comfortable with. The symptoms you describe could be due to a number of things and it is important to get some clarification/intervention to be able to move forward particularly when depression alcohol and drug use are involved.

Find the help you need. It is a shame that your experience with writing down how you feel and your questions/concerns did not work out the first time but it is vital to try again and this is an excellent strategy.

All the best

DepNet

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