500 families
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 8. Feb 2008 04:16 PM
i was feeling pretty crap today. so i went and got drunk. and here i am. i took travel sickness meds for a car ride last night. it made me hallucinate. i got home and lay on the couch and i could see a seagull flying along my ceiling winking and shaking its head at me. what the hell? it was really scary. i probably shouldnt take it with zoloft, since it tends to take everything longer to go through the liver. oh my poor liver.
then i fucked up royally today, i forgot to send my brothers medication with him to work, and i had to get the neighbour to drive me there. but im always doing things like that. sober, straight, high, drunk, i always forget things and fuck up. i felt so stupid. i let down like five people. some day hopefully ill have it together. every thing i do wont have to be some big fuck around of a drama. i need to grow up so badly. i need to take some responsibility. but its hard to get initiative. to take responsibility for things you arent really responsible for.
so i was feeling bad. past tense. hehe. until i put this song on. because this song makes me feel so good. so fortunate. i want to post the lyrics here because i think its such a great song.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me
What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anne's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all
i just love that last line. its brilliant. so poignant. and not a hint of cheap about it. neutral milk hotel are such a great band. im so glad i know about all this music. it saves my life so often. oh comely is another great song of theirs. such great songs. and to think they came from such horror. such despair and sadness. so amazing. jeff magnum is a lucky guy to see things that way.
the chicken eggs hatched. 3 little babies. but now the mum has abandoned the rest of the eggs. idiot. they got pretty cold, but i put them under a bulb in the hopes there might be one or two that are ok. if not, well at least its less animals to look after and pay for. its my stupid fault. i had to move the nest and now she doesnt want to know about it. she was looking after them real well, only leving the nest for short periods. but now she just kicks them around and is too busy pampering the live babis. eh.
i was just in the bathroom, thinking a lot. as one does in ones bathroom. about the hatred i carry around for my uncle. i figure it wouldn't hurt to just do some bitching about him so i can get some kind of relief.
the man is repulsive. not only to look at, but to know. he makes me feel dirty and disgusted just by thinking of him. to have to see him, watch him eat, hear his remarks, its torture for me. i just want to throttle him. i often wonder when that glorious day will come when his arteries will squeeze the last bit of pathetic life out of him. he is homophobic, racist, just a filthy person. he has had several allegations of sexual harassment.
he holds no value for human life unless he perceives someone as a sex object. imagine having to share a meal with someone like that. having to open your house to them, be close to them. feel owned by them. when he pisses he NEVER puts the seat back down. and he does it on purpose. like an animal marking its territory. its like he's saying "I URINATED HERE" and it horrifies me. he always snoops around our house, he loves to point out other peoples shortcomings. he called elton john a poofter. he talks about sex constantly. he finds ways to turn normal conversations into something about sex. this guy is my uncle. he once helped me build something, spent the whole time making jokes about virgins. i see the way he watches young girls. too young. when i see him stare like that it takes all i have not to jump across the table and gouge his eyes out. this guy is my only true enemy. i hate everything he is. and he probably feels the same about me. once i had a girl come stay with me at their place, he perved on us the whole time. she was skinny with a large chest, and he spent the whole time creeping around looking at her. he practically stalked us on the beach.
and no one says anything to him. no one bothers to tell him that maybe this is inappropriate conversation to have with your nieces and sister/mother in law. i dont think its my job. but i havent spoken to them for so long now that i guess i shouldnt bother. i could tell he curbed his behaviour for a while when i started calling him out on it. but it didnt take long for that to change back.
my other uncle has schizophrenia and he is black and this gross uncle wants to watch him get torn to shreds by rottweilers. he has said this more than once. and he is serious. i just hate him. and i wish i didnt know him. and ill be happy when he's dead. stupid fat bastard will probably outlive all of us.