you are free
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 4. Feb 2008 09:39 PM
another day treading water. i have been listening to music since i woke up. i was scared to go to sleep last night. i drank alcohol, i took some painkillers, i just wanted to be out of it. the urge to cut is getting overwhelming.
i did manage to clean up my room. it is sparkling clean. i love it like this. i cant wait to climb into my bed with clean crisp cool fresh sheets. that is high up on my list of things i love to do.
while i was away my mother organised my room for me. when i got home i was pretty much livid. i dont know why she did it. all my things were re-arranged, but my floor and bed and shelves were filthy. why do that? she found my box of razors and medical supplies, and sorted it all out into different drawers. she didnt click on. i know she would have said something to me. what the hell? is she that oblivious? she went through every personal item i own. she probably knows all my secrets. she says she didnt pay attention to things, didnt read anything or look at anything. how is that possible? she then placed some things on blatant display. i was in shock to see certain things just out on a shelf. personal photos. other things. i feel like i have nothing of my own any more. i feel like she is lying to me now. because she has to know who i am. and i didnt want her to, didnt want anyone to.
ill be 23 in just over a week. my mum cleaned my room for me. colour coordinated my wardrobe. meanwhile her bedroom is full of clutter and crap. why didnt she clean her own room? something is wrong here. i hate birthdays. i dont want to know about it. i have been asking people for years to never buy me anything, because i dont know anybody whose present would serve as more than an empty gesture. im so over cheap sentiment. im over fake smiles and awkward dinners and throwing the word love around like it means nothing, like its obligatory. like if i dont say it back, im a horrible person.
the rain is relentless. i think its going to flood. tomorrow i might go buy some supplies. i dont mind it though. i had a forty minute shower, it was nice.
i actually feel tired tonight. i might get to sleep before midnight for the first time in probably years.