maybe not
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 3. Feb 2008 08:14 PM
got back from my trip.
the band was magnificent. a religious experience. a few hours of heaven. out of body, out of mind, out of the universe experience. my legs and back were killing me, i was thirsty, busting to go to the bathroom, sweating like a pig, and they hadnt even started yet. but as soon as they were on stage all that went away.
im listening to it now because some kind person bootlegged it.
it was everything i could have wanted or imagined. i am so sad that its all over. those two days were so awesome. i saw the first show, and woke up and went to the second show. i wont get to do that again for a long time. i was in another place and it was pretty much magical. unfortunately i was in a blur, zoloft has taken my emotions and culled them, so i feel little for anything much right now. i wanted to cry. i wanted to scream and dance. all i could do was know i was making a memory to be treasured and try really hard to take note of the special little things that were happening on stage and around me. maybe someday ill realise exactly what i felt about it.
i loved the city. its such an anonymous place. people are free to do what they want. be whoever they wish to be. its so different. and i guess thats what draws me to it. there is no standard. there are no rules. i want to live like that. international bands play regularly, people are open minded, the trains are smelly, its scary, its alive, it craps all over this measely little pisshole i currently try to call home. ive never felt more accepted than i did surrounded by so many strangers.
so i think ill move there. i think ill give it a shot. i have little to lose. its just so daunting to think i have to go out on my own, get a job, interact with humans, i guess that would take a lot of pretending and acting. and i find that very exhausting. but maybe ill find a little world i fit in to, full of people who fit me, and maybe it wouldnt be so bad. but its so terrifyingly easy to stay right here, with my music and my books, and make it enough. but then again its not. im starting to admit to myself more and more that solitude isnt so nifty after all. i need people. more of them. and more often. but not just anybody. because anybodies are such a bad idea, they turn out to be that person. and that person annoys me to no end.
phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht.