nighthawks
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 18. Jan 2008 01:49 AM
ive been staring at this picture for a long time now. its all crumpled, but up on my wall. its always falling off. and getting trampled on.
i love the feeling i get when everyone else goes to bed, the house is dark, i walk into my room and lock the door behind me. suddenly its just me inside four walls, floating in the universe. nothing exists outside of this for me right now. its close to bliss. i suppose that should scare me. im so comfortable by myself, without the rest of the world, yet i know i will be torn between this feeling and the 'inevitability of human drama.'
i just like being left by myself. i like lying on my bed listening to music. i like watching movies by myself. and i mean it. i honestly like it. i dont have to listen to other people gulping down food or drink, or scratch their heads, or clear their throats or other assorted annoying things. i dont have to make ridiculous conversation to make the awkwardness more palatable.
im a little apprehensive about going to sydney next week. i love the city, but its been so long since ive had to really interact with strangers. also its a long time since ive seen any of my family there. im half full of excitement and half full of dread. i just hope i dont have any panic attacks, although im definitely not the only person in my family who suffers them, so thats a plus i suppose.
it was my best friends birthday today. i wanted to call her, but i just couldnt. i think she understands. i hope she does. part of me wants her to tell me to fuck off, because its just too exhausting trying to keep up with her. but she says she cares. she says she loves me. i really wish she wouldnt. the person she loves and cares about doesnt even exist. i dont know how to tell her that. ive just gotten too used to pretending, acting interested in all the crap she goes on about, acting like im just the same, like im not totally lost all the time. i told her, with a serious face, that i had lost my mind and didnt know who i was, she simply brushed it off. anyway, i hope she had a good day, and i hope she doesn't call me on my birthday. at this stage it seems like such an empty gesture, an insult to the friendship we shared before we grew apart and refused to acknowledge it.
i discovered i was closer to someone else, a friend who, looking back, has always been there. she knows who i am. she knows all the bad things about me and she has never judged me. i have treated her badly, yet shes still there. always. anytime. that is terrifying. and i cant even think about it because it is the end result of a massive lie i have been telling myself. i dont know how to move past this mess.
anyway, im not making much sense to myself. i just wish i knew how to treat my friends properly, without locking them out, without isolating myself. without always making them think there is something wrong with them. because i do love them and i dont know where id be without them.