Nebraska
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 10. Jan 2008 02:42 PM
"I admire Bruce Springsteen because he's a heroic person who has lots of integrity and has this incredible body of work that is so vital."
I was listening to Springsteen earlier, which made me think about Elizabeth Wurtzel, in turn making me think about Prozac Nation. I think Wurtzel is important. She tells it all like it is. Her writing is so repulsive and honest, it's brilliant. And something I'll never forget.
Then I came across this formula -
happiness =
success
___________
expectations
Makes a lot of sense to me. I was reading an article about Elizabeth and how chemical imbalance is 'mythical and elusive.' She says:
"To ask anyone how he happened to fall into a state of despair always involves new variations on the same myriad mix of family history. There is always divorce, death, drunkenness, drug abuse and whatnot in any of several permutations"
I don't know. My childhood, aside from lacking affection, was normal. There was no death, alcohol, divorce, drugs. There was weekends at the beach, family restaurants, theme parks, zoos, I got everything I wanted almost. I don't recall my parents saying they love me. But I don't blame them. They probably felt like they couldn't. I give people that vibe. But there was also school. School was humiliating. I still think about things that happened in grade three. That is not normal. What really fucked me up was people telling me from the age of five that I could do anything I wanted. That I was smart. I just expected things to happen. I never put in any effort. So therefore I wasn't smart in the first place, therefore, I was already stupid when people told me I was smart, but somehow got even more stupid the more they said it, until high school, where they ceased saying it because I really had become stupid by that point, because they kept saying I was smart. Anyway, this is just stupid. There is no blame for me to put anywhere, I'd just like some answers as to why I'm like this, and I was always so against all the childhood bullshit, because unless there is some horrid memory i have repressed, i can't find any fault with mine. Because every time I ask my mother what the hell happened to me, she says "Every time I got one of your report cards, your teachers always said you could do anything you wanted."
If I ever subject another human being to the displeasure of being my child, I'll never lie. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, God, all gone. No lies. No setup for disappointment. No dissillusions. Although, it's not always bad. I love Edgar Allen Poe. It's bordering on obsession. I read The Tell Tale Heart again today, and I just love it. But when I read To Science, all I could think of was Dawkins, and how he tears apart that arguement that science strips the world of all its mystery and beauty. It's so not true. Science saved my life. Science opened my eyes to the beauty and intricacy of the universe. It can't even be put into words how amazing, for lack of a better word, it is. Despite the inequality and anguish faced by so many, there's still too much good, and too much luck. I am endlessly asking myself what 'this' is. It's incredible really. Here we are, flying through space at a million miles an hour, and the illusion that we are all standing still is what's killing us.
I read the other day that 'dark matter' in the universe may not be some exotic substance. It could be the stopping of time. As the universe expands it gives the impression that galaxies and other various entities are speeding away from eachother, but this one guy put forward that maybe they are leaving behind a space filled with no time, making them look like they are going faster, and eventually time will stop throughout the universe. Everything will just hang in a frozen instant. That is awesome. I'd like to think Earth would still be around to be involved in such an event, but we'll be long gone by then.
I hate it that I lose sight of all these things. I lose the point of it all and get too wrapped up in how I feel. Like Woody Allen said in Manhattan "If there's one guy starving somewhere, I can't enjoy myself" that mindset envelops me sometimes. I certainly don't enjoy that I can go from the lowest of lows one day to the highest of highs the next, but I like this feeling, and I hope it lasts a while before I crash and burn.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes I feel like this is just who I am. After all, I think happiness is just a social construct, I don't know if it would exist in reality, but I don't care whether the way I feel is caused by biology or the fact my Father and I never discussed our feelings. What does it matter? I can't change those things. I can say I accept and let go until I'm blue in the face, but the memories don't get erased. Fact is that whatever happened, it shaped me to be who I am, and I feel like anything else would be a lie. But what do I know. I'm only saying all of this because I have depression.
Anyway.
I just read that coldplay are getting ready to release their fourth album. This makes me sad. My dad and I always listened to them together.