reasons unknown
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 7. Jan 2008 10:10 AM
new years sucked. as always! i vow to never plan to go out ever again. it never works.
it was a long wait to get to the bar. probably just as well. yesterday was my first alcohol free day for well over a month. that's terrible. if i cant keep away from it this week im going to get help. but im stuck home alone with no money so its the perfect time to give up.
im 22. im too young to have a drinking problem. im too young to need to drink. i dont even recognise myself. ive lost too much weight, smoked too many cigarettes. so today i bought some steak, i dont even like meat, but im going to eat it, with vegetables, then im going to have a bubble bath. then im going to sit in complete silence and watch television by myself. i haven't had five minutes to myself for so long.
christmas was good. my freinds were here. we had fun. boxing day sucked. i had some kind of breakdown. my family came over, and they ruined my last night with my friends. this is the first time any of my friends have visited me in nearly three years. my family came and grossed them out. i hid outside and cried hysterically for an hour. i dont know what was wrong with me. they do it to me. they make me crazy. i hate them.
i need to see the doctor. there's something wrong, i don't know if it is the meds, or the alcohol, but i dont feel right. i dont feel in control of myself. its scary. i feel like at any moment i could get swept away by a bad mood and do something i dont want to. ive gone way off track and completely lost myself. i think that's why i keep drinking. this sucks. i thought i was doing well. now im back to being a zombie. i just want to stare into space all day. maybe ive given myself brain damage from alcohol.
anyway, its time to clean the house. yay.