i am dreaming of places
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 14. Dec 2007 10:18 PM
warning: this may contain too many cuss words. if you aren't into that, stop reading. its been a few days. ive been so busy. god. too busy. my eyes are stinging like crazy, yet im sitting here in fornt of the computer. im in the middle of putting up xmas lights. i dont like xmas. its all so forced. forced joy. forced love. the only reason i do it is because my brother gets a kick out of it, and since my life is all about making him happy then i have to jump on the bandwagon. begrudgingly.
yeah what a whinger i have become. poor me has to celebrate xmas. i should get a medal.
i am so disconnected. my grandmother is dying and i feel nothing. my mother is a grieving widow and i feel nothing. my friends try to get me to open up but i feel nothing. its starting to really freak me out. i feel NOTHING. yet all i feel is EVERYTHING. i feel every mood, every change of tone. she has this power, this control over me, and she knows it. I was never meant to feel anything. yet she makes me feel it all. and i hate it. if it weren't for her i wouldnt have to know about it all. i could be completely void of all humanaity.
and thats not even what i mean. im capable of being compassionate, i have all the humanity and love in the world, as long as it is impersonal. what kind of retard cant tell their own mother and father that they love them, but gets all up in arms about people dying in darfur? where the hell did that come from? why am i like that? why do i keep all my feelings stashed so far away that even i cant feel them anymore. yet i feel her. all day. and just when i think its over, ill get a msg, or a call, and then it'll reappear, it'll just be there, this ache in my chest. this constant grip around my torso that makes it so hard to breathe. i accepted a long time ago that i can live with this.
all i have to do is make sure i vent it all somewhere appropriate, like here. i have to make sure i never feel inclined to tell her how badly she messes me up. how the way she randomly decides to remind me of something that happened years ago completely kills me. because back then i was me. i was me before her and i miss that person. i miss who i was before i started to wrroy about her. i want to go back to the me before her and try to stay that way. because this is it. and its the most hopeless thing i can feel. this is who i am and as hard as ive tried to change it, im just kidding myself. im going to be this way forever because i changed when she made me realise who i am. who i was destined to become, she just brought it out a little sooner than id have liked. and yeah, im crazy, and no, i dont blame her. im nothing but thankful. this is the real me. and imagine if id never met my real self. imagine if id gone on in complete oblivion, id have been even more unhappy. if thats possible.
i guess it is possible. i guess unhappiness is not being who you really are. unhappiness is sweeping everything under the rug. happiness is tears, it's honesty, it's living who you are even if its the hardest thing you can imagine. because its all so easy for us. we have nothing to deal with but ourselves. there's no obstacle for priviliged white people. that's our punishment. and im not exactly in that category, but i grew up in it. everything just seems so close, so easy, and when you realise its not, it tears you apart.
all of this stands, yet i feel so incredible. life is just amazing. all the * is so worth it. here we are, in this universe, just floating about at amillion miles an hour, all tied up in our issues, our psyche, and rarely do we stop to reflect on just how lucky we are. being born is almost an inconsistency. the chances of us being here, it's so slim, humans are like the royalty of the universe. i think we are all lucky no matter what capacity we have to manage to survive in. god it feels good writing all this crap out. ive been so angry lately.
like this bitch that had a go at me in the newsagent today, she thought i pushed in front, i said no, im not in line, just talking to my mum. then she pushed me out of the way. why do i stand there holding doors for people like a idiot, why do walk 300 metres to have a cigarette? why do i bother. people like her make me want to gouge my eyes out. i just want to scream at them "WHY CANT YOU BE NICE! WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT, LADY!" i hate it when people are just random assholes. random patronising assholes. it used to make it hard for me to go out in public. but now its easy. now ill call them out on their rudeness rather than ignoring them. god, they deserve it. and there's so many people like that here. they just have to shit all over your day. make you feel like nothing.
on the birght side, i got a ticket to arcade fire. i am overwhelmed with excitement.