its all or none
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 7. Dec 2007 12:25 AM
the dog is barking at me. she just sits there, letting out these annoying little whimpers. its so annoying. i dont know what to do with her. she wants food, but she's overweight, im trying to get her to lose a few, but the yelping is driving me up the wall.
im in a good mood today, ive found somone to collaborate on a project with me, and they are pushing me, helping me, making me feel so certain. its a different feeling for me. and its amazing.
i have a confession. i have been drinking more than i know i should. more than anyone should. but god, i just cant deal with all of this. it overwhelms me more than i like to admit. and im sick of it. in my community, alcoholism is rife. people who go through this are four times more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol. im tired of sacrificing my health, my sanity, because i cant deal with things that arent my fault. i cant deal with the way i dont fit into society the way that im expected to. the way that normal people do.
anyway, ive been listening to the moody blues a lot. mostly nights in white satin. i really love that song. and i wonder how many other amazing songs that i would love instantly are out there waiting for me to discover them. id say its infinite. plus, missy higgins. wow. when i first heard her, i was in awe. the first song i heard was 'greed for your love' then 'all for believing' and those songs just killed me. but her first album was shit. but now, i love her, her second album is amazing. and right now its keeping me sane.
why do i go on about this irrelavent nonsense? why do i spend my entire life avoiding whats really going on? i mean seriously, ive spent so long stuck in this mindset. its ridiculous. im tired.
okay, i just spent 43 glorious minutes on the phone. i didnt say much, i did what i do best, i listened. wow. it was great. i love being taken into that world, her world, her life, the things she experiences. its just satisfying. but its bittersweet, for sure.
so im writing this story, and my collaborator is just amazing. i think its going to be great, and im excited. i finally feel safe enough to let her read some of my stuff, so thats a big step. im going to start trusting myself. im going to stop caring about whether or not its total crap, because so what if it is? i dont do it to gain anything except experience. im so self cnscious that its affecting every aspect of my life. and i really have no reason to be that way. at all. i just am.
anyway, today, its six years. six years since my world fell apart. and that sounds so ridiculous. unfotunately its true. maybe thats why im drunk. maybe thats why i cant deal lately. i cant believe it. six years ive lived with this. im only 22 ffs. thats not fair. thats practically evil.
phhhhhhhhhh.