charlie-esque
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 29. Nov 2007 11:51 PM
i was feeling okay until a little while ago. now i feel alone. and sad. and its frustrating.
this afternoon i went to my first fire. it was fun. except now my eyes are stinging like crazy.
then we learnt how to use hydrants. that was fun too.
im sick of waiting on phone calls that never come. my friend always calls me at 7am, and i have to answer, cos its the only time i get to talk to her, but it means i miss out on that extra hour of sleep that i really, really need.
i have rectified my med problem. im seeing a doctor next week, one that i actually like, and i hope he offers me some solutions.
i read this book last night, i loved it so much that i read it again tonight. its called 'the perks of being a wallflower' apparently the author is busy writing a screenplay for it.
im sick of these moods. i just want to cry. but i dont. i dont know what to do. i feel so wrong. like everything is wrong, and nothing works, and all the things that usually make me happy aren't important right now. usually i can find myself again in my favourite music, or by watching a good movie, or reading a good book. but when depression is this stubborn, nothing works. im just totally and completely lost right now. i feel so sad and so hurt for everything. today i watched the youtube debates on cnn, this guy was 60something, he was in the army for 43 years, a very decorated soldier, and he was openly gay after he retired. his question was about whether 'dont ask dont tell' was working or not, and wanted to know what candidates thought about the fact that 2 people a day are discharged from u.s forces just for being gay, or why they thought that american soldiers are not proffesional enough to serve alongside gays and lesbians. of course, the republicans think that homosexuality prevents 'cohesion' amongst troops, amongst other right wing christianity inspired beliefs. anyway, this guy had tears in his eyes, and it completely broke my heart. i cried a little bit. i saw so much strength on his face yet there was this huge confliction about what he had spent his entire life doing and who he was. the guy was amazing. apparently he is making a film called 'ask not'. and now that i think about him, and what he did today, i feel a little better. the guilt of hiding a part of yourself like that is unbearable, and im glad he is trying to make up for it.
anyway, thats that.