sleep
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 25. Nov 2007 09:35 PM
so my biggest problem lately is my bad sleeping pattern. i am going to bed late, waking up early, living on four hours a night. i wake up at 8am, im tired and moody all day long, until about 10pm when i make plans to go to bed, then i end up still being awake at 3am. its driving me out of my mind. it takes me so long to wind down from the day. i need to be in a very certain mood to go to sleep. its weird. anyway, i dont want to take pills, because they make waking up even harder than it already is.
so now i have to live with these completely bizarre moods in the mornings, those moods where you are so tired you become slightly hypo. its frustrating. i hear myself talking fast and saying stupid shit yet i cant stop it. then i start analysing and shame sets in and by midday im completely lost.
anyway, apart from that, im feeling mediocre. not too shabby. some friends of mine have confirmed they are coming for xmas. which is great, except its going to take me the next month to clean up and kid-proof the place. this place is just about as unsafe as it gets. but i am glad they are coming. im glad i dont have to spend the day getting wasted so that i can bear being around the relatives. ever since my dad died, i just dont want to know about it. i dont care. xmas makes me sick. all that money people waste. and im just about as atheist as you can get. theres like .00004928% of me that isnt atheist. for reasons sake. so yeah, suck on that, santa. well, really i view every day as a celebration, believe it or not, and i hate that the world we live in requires us to set aside a specific block of time to show appreciation for the people we love and the things we care about. that notion just makes me dizzy. its fake. and its cheap sentiment, and nothing makes me more revolted than cheap sentiment. also i hate the whole food thing, usually my family roasts all kinds of meat, lamb, pork, beef, and that alone is enough vomit material to last me for a thousand years.
anyway, thats all out there now.
i passed my rfs exams. only just. i failed 6/20 questions, but in my defence, the questions were really vague. i tried to study. but i passed anyway, so no point dwelling on that. so im now a certified volunteer firefighter. that is a big positive for me in my life at the moment.
i still haven't rectified my med situation, ive slipped down a dosage so my script lasts longer, because i detest going to the doctor. i can never get into see one anyway. it drives me insane. literally. also, i tried to get my brother into the neurologist, and i was told to take him back to his previous one on the gold coast because the waiting list here is literally YEARS long. great. thats just perfect. it will be so much more dramatic than it needs to be.
about him, well, he's driving me insane. literally. i cannot tolerate his persistent complaining and endless screaming about nothing. but there's nothing i can do except take a deep breath, ask him to be quiet, and close my eyes and hope he doesn't scream at me for it. this. is. torture. it seems like everyone just won't shut the hell up. im so tired of listening to people. it's bad.
anyway, i've gone on for way too long. about nothing.
woohoo for a female deputy, and all the other women that got elected last night. progress.