in 7 days
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 19. Nov 2007 07:48 PM
*sigh*
i drank 2 bottles of scotch.
16 cans of pepsi max
smoked five packs of smokes.
i listened to the same song 274 times in a row!
i spent 4 hours on the phone.
i had 7 meals.
ok this is boring.
bleh. i am pretty happy right now. like, really happy. im just feeling restless and impatient. but all the puzzle pieces seem to be coming together quite nicely. i have set some goals. i finally have desires. wow, desire, i remember you now. bliss. to want something so badly. its beautiful. indifference was killing me. theres things i want, and i actually feel like going after them. i dont know how, but thats irrelavent at this point. i havent listened to jeff buckley for months, even though it was his birthday on saturday. that is progression! oh but he is beautiful.
in this live version of elliott smith im listening to, hes really drunk or high, some time in '02, he sings 'gimme one reason not to do it' and someone yells out 'BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU!' god its sad. i hate it that people die. but people being born, well that just about makes up for it i guess. i wish i wanted to have my own kids. i wish i felt capable. i wish. anyway, archive dot org has the best live sets ever.
so yeah, life is good at the moment. life is complex, but reducable. i feel like ive climbed mt improbable. but still, there is that little void. it bugs me. there is still not right. i dont know what it is. but every time i start to feel awesome, it brings me back down. it pressures me into feeling guilty about feeling good. maybe i have a martyr complex. maybe i only feel good about myself when im feeling bad about everything that goes on in the world. maybe im that self involved. maybe im just full of it and i make up all these problems so i can just constantly think about myself.
nah. i do feel bad. suffering kills my buzz. infinitely. but i try to accept that i dont cause any of it, theres nothing i can do about it, so i should just count myself way too lucky and enjoy it. i dont know. i really dont know what to do.
whatever. im happy! i should stop thinking about this kind of thing and just live it.