all your secret wishes
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 28. Oct 2007 07:18 PM
today i had to spend the day at my relatives place. we talked about food for three hours. it was torture. it made me lose my already non existent appetite. god. i dont know who those people are. i dont understand them. i dont know how we share the same genes. im the kind of person that believes alot of who we are is genetically determined, but i look at them and i wonder how we can end up so far away from eachother. i dont even live in the same world as them. it makes me kind of sad.
the only thing keeping me together right now is elliott smith. and bacardi. ive been on a bender. i just cant handle sunset. i cant handle any more days ending, the sun, a big blaring beacon, screaming things at me, telling me 'i'll be gone soon, this is your last chance to change your life today.' its getting bad. i cant eat any more. all i feel like is drinking. i never thought i would revisit this place im in, but here i am. and its never felt more comfortable. i've missed it, and i dont know why i deny myself this comfort.
its not that im not happy. this weekend has been amazing. but theres something missing. there's no intensity behind my eyes. i dont recognize myself. and look, im spending too much time online, because im losing my european english. 'z' replaces 's', and 'u' disappears. to other people, i must seem so vacant, staring into space, but really my mind is running a million miles a minute, reliving memories and times where i stood a chance. times where life was full of incomprehendable possibility.
i know why im like this. its because everything is laid out in front of me, waiting. waiting for me to take that first step and grab it, take a swipe, latch on to it and own it in the way i deserve, the way it owns me. but ill never take that first step. ill never grab it. because to do that, i have to risk everything. there is too much at stake. everything is at stake, if something goes wrong, if i cant have what i want, then ill lose everything ive kept close to me for six years. six years of blood, sweat and tears. its all right there, in her eyes, telling me a million stories via a routine glance, but i wont listen to them. i shut myself off. just a peek at the truth and im already running away.
i dont really know what im talking about right now.
i wish i was one of those people that can just fit into life, id explain that more but i just lost my point.