passing time
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 15. Oct 2007 08:19 PM
its a slow afternoon, my head is pounding right now. i shouldnt be glaring at this computer screen but theres not much else to do. except about four hours worth of housework. no thanks.
still feeling lethargic, tired, im getting about ten hours of sleep every night. that should be plenty, but its not. i dont know. i have this perpetual headache too. i have low iron, i take tablets, but it isnt enough. anyway, i went back to the doctor last week to talk about my situation with zoloft and the symptoms ive been having. i saw a new doctor because every single doctor here is booked out for eternity.
at first i was optimistic, ive never been to a female doctor before and i thought it might make a difference. i had written out two pages of symptoms, plus what id like to rule out as a diagnoses. she didn't even look at it. then she asked me about my life, and so it just went to shit. everybody thinks my life must be so fucking depressing, how do i deal with it, blah blah blah. life as a carer gets tough, but im not about to shoot myself. im happy to be where i am, not in some mudhole eating rice once a day. i get all day to myself. i can do pretty much whatever i like all day while my brother is out.
anyway, she wanted me to do relaxation therapy, and go back to my childhood to find the source of my problems. i could have cried. why can't i be taken seriously? why is it always my fault, why does it always have to be something psychological? why cant it maybe be something physical. i always wondered if i had some kind of developmental disorder, and now that i cant seem to function in adulthood im starting to seriously assume so. i just want to be able to get things done, read a book, start and finish things, concentrate for once. i thought that was all part of the depression, but since i seem to have gotten rid of most of it and these problems still persist im inclined to think it is a seperate issue, or that the depression might have been secondary, and now im just left with something else.
anyway, i told her id book an appointment, she wrote me a blood test to check my thyroid after i told her ive had that test about forty times, then i walked out. i have no intentions of going back. this morning i used the blood test form to scoop a dead frog out of the doorway. i found an old box of zoloft (still in date) from last year, and upped my dosage to 100mg to see if it makes a difference. i mean its already been prescribed so why not. i like that sick feeling of changing/forgetting meds, it makes me lose my appetite.