a funny light
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 21. Sep 2007 11:27 PM
what a day! i woke up feeling really fricken horrid. this hasnt happened for so long, ive been on such a roll for like two months. so i woke up just wanting to die. i felt really bad. i hopped back into bed and watched tv till 3pm. man thats so pathetic. lucky i dont have a job, if i had to speak to people today it would have shattered me. i could sense i was about to hadve a really bad day, everything tasted bad, the water here is so hard, and none of my clothes seemed right. everytime i got dressed i felt like i was wearing a halloween costume or something. around 5pm i started to perk up, i went down the street and hired some movies, then i bought a sandwich at the bakery. they make the best egg and lettuce sandwiches, except it was the end of the day so i had to settle for ham and coleslaw, and i dont even eat meat, but their sandwiches are that good so i bought it anyway. it was all soggy and disgusting but i ate it anyway. then i roasted some potatoes and steamed some vegetables and i ate that for dinner.
i felt better then. so my friend called me and we chatted for a few minutes about the sopranos. that made me snap out of my bad mood a bit. i havent been back to my gp since he prescribed the zoloft for me three months ago. after six years of trying to get a straight goddamn answer from one of these jerks i just gave up. i may have to shop around for a half decent doctor. it sucks living in a rural area. i know there is a very caring doctor here, but he cared too much, and it got on my nerves seeing him every week and seeing the look on his face like i was some big sad sack who was probably going to try and off themself. ive had that a few times now, much older men who see a young girl with probems, they get this saviour complex about it i swear. not just doctors, but employers and job counselors and centrelink staff and whatnot. not psychiatrists though, they didnt seem to give a shit. after my father died i went to see his psychiatrist, hoping for some relief, some insight, , anyways he looks at me and asks me why im there, what do i think he can do for me? i fell into a black hole and my palms got sweaty and i dodged the topic. it was really healing.
i keep thinking about getting my test results. the genetic counselor will call me when she has them and make an appointment for me to go get them, but im wondering will there be a hint in her voice? what will i do when the moment comes? am i going to have a panic attack? its not like me. usually i just suck this kind of stuff up and deal with it, i spent a lot of time in hospital and at the doctors with tonsilitis and when they did a shitload of tests on my brain, then i had this problem with my hip. it just seems like such awful suspense. i dont care what the results are. i just want to know how its all going to go down. is she going to look me in the eye all sympathetic and tell me its positive? i think ill vomit. why cant she just send me a letter. im so self absorbed its sickening.
i read through my last post. the perfect example of how over a few hours i can go from reasonably happy to complete depression. maybe there is something more to my depression than i think. i dont know, its not usually like this, for a few months im fine, i function really well, then i crash for a bit but it goes away after a few weeks. anyway im going to go and watch a movie called tideland, i hope its good.