asleep
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 20. Sep 2007 04:41 PM
so i just commented on someones diary, and i started going on about useless crap so i figured id just make an entry since im in the mood and all.
today i got up, i went down to the store and bought an apple juice. while i was there i decided id had enough of giving up smoking, so i bought a packet. shit, i can never stick to it. then i went to the two dollar store and bought one of those bar butler thing, that holds your alcohol bottle for you and dispenses it. its clamped onto the shelf of my computer desk in my room holding a bottle of JD. i think it looks really funny.
then i went to the newstore, and i bought mojo magazine because it came with a morrissey badge. its so weird how when you like something, suddenly it starts popping up everywhere. i guess its not so weird because perviously you wouldn't have noticed it.
so anyway, i got to thinking about my depression and how it can be so debilitating, but on the other hand im really ecstatic about life and id never dream of wanting it to end or whatever. i mean i love it, i dont care that i dont have much, i have books, i have the fresh air, and its all so cliche but its all i need. of course the one thing that is missing is love, but im sure that will come along one day. i can live without it happily. half of it is just marketing and religion and politics anyway. but i want that kind of love where we run around at 3am setting bins on fire and climb trees and go on long drives and all that sappy shit. the thing that really gets me though, that i do feel sad about, is that ive never had a partner who wanted to take care of me. it was always me taking care of them. i hated it. i barely even existed in those days.
besides, im all over the place all the time. i can ask someone a question about five different things in the same breath. i feel a bit sad, just a few things that have been happening recently. i no longer relate to any of my friends, i feel like i am just humouring them. and i hate it because its so fucking patronising. i love my friends, but they are ignorant, racist, homophobic, whatever. is it fair to be angry at them, to feel like i am a bigger person? i dont know. i feel like a real asshole. i feel like forgetting who i am and just going along with them and agreeing. but that would be all kinds of wrong. i quite enjoy who i am, but they seem to be put off by it. so maybe we just aren't compatible any more. i dont know. i still love them dearly though. i wish i could have amnesia for day. that would be really awesome.
i had a strange dream last night, i was at a fair or something. then i was in the back of a car. there was a guy in the front seat and he was a druggo asshole. so anyway, his girlfriend, her name was jess, she was all over me. next thing we are all in therapy and im looking at her through a glass window. anyway she comes out, and we smoke, and she says she loves me. then the guy comes up and tells her its time to go so she leaves with him. what the hell. it felt like it went on forever. i was devastated, in the dream. i dont think dreams have any significance or insight, i think its just our brain left to its own devices. i mean maybe in the freudian sense they can give us insight into our feelings. so i guess that means im sick of falling for girls who have boyfriends. although, im female, and thats yet to happen to me. maybe my dreams are trying to tell me something then.
thats all i need.
edit: does anyone know how to make two entries in one day? anyway ill just add some here since its the same day and all. god i feel so restless. ive texted a few people and got no replies. not that im devo about it, but it just bugs me that they all have something to do and i dont. and i should be there with them, doing things. then i have this email pen pal, and we are rapidly running out of things to talk about, which is sad because if we knew eachother in real life we'd probably be good mates.
im just stuck here, in limbo. it feels like life is buzzing right past me. like those shots where the camera focuses on a still object while fast forwarding and everything seems to be flying around it in a blur. im dreading crawling in to bed tonight. ill probably be a bit drunk. nighty night is on, and its my favourite program. usually i like thursdays. its my favourite day. i hate it when its early in the week. monday is horrible, and tuesday is even worse. its like i dont know what to do with myself on tuesdays. jeez it feels nice to type all this crap out. who'd have thought something so simple could be so cathartic.
i keep thinking about my dads funeral. no not really. haha. i just get so pissed when i think about all the assholes that went to it. people i didnt fucking know. and then the stupid speech i made. i thanked people. if i could go back to that moment i would tell them to stick it up their preverbial. honestly. i would. then id tell them all to go home because chances are my dad couldnt stand them anyways and if there was anything good about being dead it was not having to see any of them ever again. god it still shits me that i have to see their annoying faces. honestly, why is it so hard to tell people you dont like them. i dont think its humanity, its guilt. so in a way im being double selfish about it. god im going to get off this damn computer chair and go for a jog or something.
second edit: okay so now i feel like shit. i had a few drinks, and it totally depressed me. i tried calling all my friends, nobody answers. i try chatting to strangers, its awkward and boring. theres mosquitos everywhere. its moments like this that fill me with despair. im just alone, in my room, with so much to talk about and so much to ask and nobody to listen to me or to listen to. honestly. its outrageous. my legs are really sore for some reason. so are my arms. i feel like im really fucking losing it. but its all so amazing right. holden caulfield would look at me and know im a phony.