half a person
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 19. Sep 2007 11:10 PM
ok, so i really hate to come here to whinge. i know many people have real problems and i am just kind of complaining. i hope it doesn't take away from the significance of this website. i post a bit here and there, but mostly i keep my posts private.
things were going well for a few months really, the zoloft seemed to be doing its job, no panic attacks, and depression seemed to just coil away. lately ive had a few panic attacks here and there, mostly at times when im forced to face some kind of horrible truth about my life, i mean they kinda seem out of the blue, but really when i think about it, talking to certain people or attending events are the perfect trigger. mainly its stuff that forces me to accept my lot in life. like joining the rural fire brigade, i put it off for so long, because i knew that in doing so, i would be cementing my status as a resident of this lowly little town. i didnt want to become one of these people. i feel defeated. on the same token, its something i really wanted to do. not becuase i want to be a part of something, but because i want to make a career out of firefighting.
today im blue. haven't picked up the phone for a long time. this couple i know broke up, and im really down about it. i cant explain it all, but it was all kinds of incredible and im sad for them that it is over. its just depressing. i really feel like shit about it, but its probably just me attirbuting my own crap onto their circumstances.
last week i had a blood test. i thought id handle it really well, i was feeling confident and informed and assured. thing is the women in my family have a strong history of cancer, we have the gene mutation that causes breast cancer and ovarian cancer. so i decided to get the test, and now im freaking out, what the hell will i do if it is positive? i forgot to ask my doctor that. i am so wimpy when it comes to stuff like that. thats how all my panic attacks used to start, id feel a twinge of pain in my stomach and convince myself i had cancer or an aneurism. pathetic i know. its six weeks till the results. god its so shitty. but i wanted the test, i wanted it to be positive so i would change my lifestyle, the way im headed im not going to grow old anyway on account of all the shit i put into my body.
i read catcher in the rye today. ive been reading so much lately. that was the third book this week. my friends accuse me of being a nerd, but really whats the difference between books and tv? same kind of thing. i enjoy reading. it uses parts of my brain that really need a good work out. something that has surprised me is how good the sopranos is. i love tony. i really do, i think the way they have presented his anxiety attacks and depression is authentic. its been helpful for me. and his frustration with dr melfi cracks me up. although i like her, i wish i could find a therapist like her.
edit: i just watched summer heights high. it makes me laugh, although the stuff about the ecstacy overdose didn't for some reason. i know that's not the joke part, but still, i couldn't really laugh at that one.
i also read the diary of anne frank, then i listened to the audiobook but winona ryders voice really bugged me after a while. man, what a girl. she was something, we really lost a lot when we lost her. also been listening to the smiths a lot lately. no wonder im depressed! holocaust literature and the saddest rock band in the world. i find myself thinking about morrissey more and more. god. im becoming one of people. ive always liked the smiths, but i never thought they'd become everything to me. and that's happening really quickly. they are surparssing bands that i thought id worship until the end of time. especially songs like 'asleep'. wow that song is beautiful. perks of being a wallflower is a beautiful book too.
im really starting to annoy myself now. i just needed to gush about morrissey for five seconds. everyone i know hates the smiths.
i mowed the lawn today. i felt horrible that i had a big arguement with my dad about buying a ride on mower, just because i wanted to pick at him about making us move to this shithole. its all i could think about, stuck for hours, sitting there, trimming every blade of stinking grass on four acres. mind numbingly going over all the stupid little arguements. now hes gone and he doesnt even get to use the fucking thing, and i let myself loathe doing it. i am an asshole.