tuesday oct 21
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 21. Oct 2008 11:58 PM
feel like whining so here goes.
today i went to see my psych, see him every eight weeks or so. each time i hope maybe he'll remember me. this is the sixth or seventh time ive seen him.
each time i go through the same thing, i spend 15 mins telling him things he should already know, or could know if he perused whatever it is he writes down for 60 seconds before calling me in.
'where's your dad?' he always asks. 'dead,' i say.
'i'm sorry' he offers. naturally - you always are.
he talks about drugs as though they are magic pills. 'i'll fix that, i'll give you something for that.' sure, write me loads of scripts. i like being prescribed medication with no explanation and no investigation on your part. it builds my confidence in you.
'when i was in england.....' really, just stop talking. just stop it.
anyway, i guess nobody is holding a gun to my head forcing me to see him. it's just apparent to me that there really is no answer and nobody can help and i have to get myself out of this hole i've dug, or was born in, or whatever.
i suppose in some twisted way it does help. it reinforces my suspicions. you can bend and alter reality, you can change perceptions to suit yourself, you can think that jobs and family and doing things that make you feel good matter. but i strongly doubt it. and maybe its not the point, maybe the point is to just feel nice, comfortable, enjoy the fragile senses, indulge in human experience. thats all good but hard to achieve when you cant shake from your mind that none of it really means anything and if being selfish and doing only what you feel like doing (i.e nothing) for the rest of your life doesn't seem like the best idea to others, well who cares. i don't. but i care that people think there's something wrong with me, think im missing out on things, assume im not enjoying life because i don't have everything they do. they don't even know how their own minds work.
what am i on about. sorry. i had some vodka, i miss my gf and its raining.