medicine
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 24. Aug 2008 10:18 PM
i went away for a little while. about a month or so.
i learned something - never go overseas with someone you don't really know. although i already knew it before i left, i just had hope, you know, maybe i could coast through it and make it work out. no such luck.
dexamphetamine is working ok. i sleep better at night. insomnia is a thing of the past. frustration at doing the same thing for two hours is a thing of the past.
i cant stop thinking about my last meeting with my psych. why are you depressed? he asked. i cant say. i am happy. when i allow myself to really just be, i am happy, so happy, to be alone and to have all this to myself. people are mostly just a disappointment. i get tired of dumbing myself down in order to not appear as arrogant as i really am. in my head everything makes sense. i can be such a good friend. i am thoughtful when i want to do, but ask me to do something that is not on my own terms and you'll just be disappointed. more and more i think it isnt fair.
but its not fair to lay blame. three years ago i was a useless twit also. but a point came... i emerged from the other side of adolescence craving something more than an ipod and nice clothing. knowledge. but its not worth much when all it does is point out how ridiculously ignorant everyone around me is.
'what a poofter'
'slanty eyes'
'we're closer to the sun up here'
'what did the night sky look like back then'
'i love astrology'
all this stuff, i cant relate, so i tune out, and im just dumb to everyone. a dumb mute because i cant make myself interested in conversations about clothes and celebrities and sport and work and family.
the good news is, i wont be single for much longer. the bad news, i dont like it one bit, but i want it, and im terrible for settling for less. and im terrible for passing this off as less, because i dont even know her yet. i dont deserve it, don't deserve her time, and i hope she doesn't end up hating me, but i feel like she just might.