useless rant
A page in the diary ""
Written by zombieluv 29. Jun 2008 08:13 PM
so it's been a while since i've written here, i kind of thought i was over it and never coming back. not for any particular reason. well, sometimes i just get to the point where i cant face my commitments any more.
this is horrible, but good at the same time. i first started seeing my psychologist two months ago. at this stage i was flying high, enrolling in study, lust was running through my body, adrenalin and endorphins a plenty. i was thrilled with life and we didn't have much to talk about, but i kept the appointment because it took me months to get and i know how badly i crash and burn. seriously, i was so happy i couldnt eat or sleep, i was vomiting out of anticipation.
so im crashing and burning for the last week. i cant figure it out. i dont know. my psychiatrist is very good i think he understands me, im seeing both of them this week. it just bugs me so bad i have to pay somebody to understand me. it seems so pathetic.
my therapy is just like my life, erratic, never linear, nothing flows and nothing makes sense. i feel like maybe she is grasping something but then i talk in circles until everything is muddled. why cant she help me? she can see me struggling to communicate what i am saying but instead she cuts me off and starts drawing diagrams or explaining things ive heard too many times. and i tell her this, and it makes no difference. at the end of the day im 17 dollars short and slightly more confused than i was when i woke up.
all i feel is resignation. the people in my life will never change no matter how clear i try to make it to them that they make me feel very bad. i'm not saying it is anybodies job to make me feel good, but really, ive always lived by the rule 'if you dont have anything good to say, shut your cakehole.' the amount of times people around me point out things about me is unbelievable. from my footwear to a piece of litter i have been asked about it all. like it matters? like my body and my business is up for discussion? this appearance obsessed world baffles me. i never look at a person and judge them, ever. i dont cut people off mid-conversation to tell them why i think they are wrong and why i am right. i dont get smug satisfaction from pointing out other peoples shortcomings, my sense of pride lies in my ability to make other people feel good, not by being the biggest and the best. i dont care if you have a unibrow or you are fat or thin or your clothes are stained or you are dripping with jewellry, we are hurtling through space at 43000 miles an hour. so when i am questioned about my dress sense (not feminine enough) or my footwear (not suitable enough) it makes me so self aware that i cant function. is this what travels through the average persons mind? no wonder we are all doomed, really.
there's people out there that don't even know our sun is a star.
this is my usual, wonderful, depressive rant. hopeless. i dont mind having depression, like i said, im resigned. i just hate that it smudges my crystal clear and beautiful perspective on things. i cant rise above anything. im stuck laying low, contemplating things that are none of my business and only upset me, but theres nothing that i can seem to do about it.