Inspired by Jess - contains bad stuff
A page in the diary "One instant at a time"
Written by psyche 4. Jul 2007 01:42 AM
Ok - time for me to tell a little more about me, I think, get it out of me and into the world, make the stories mine - and if Jess is strong enough to do it with her life then I can be with mine - minimal in comparison.
So - Part 1 of my life....
I don't remember a time when I was not scared or anxious, I look back at my childhood (pre 10) and it's a series of 'being scared' memories. Too scared to get back into bed in the middle of the night so sitting on the stairs shivering when I was 3 because I knew my Father would be angry if I woke my parents up, Truely believing that someone else was pretending to be my parents so they could take me away, taking my father literally when he said he'd 'come down on me like a ton of bricks', hating school so much I'd pretend to be sick so I could go home, trying to cut my leg open with a peice of gravel in the playground at age 7 so that someone would look after me.
My Mum says I had a happy childhood, was always smiling, but thats me, I sit and talk to my psych now about things that hurt and I'm crying in pain and smiling at the same time.
I always had to be fine, ok, well or Mum would panic (she was undiagnosed bi-polar - diagnosed last year), My father was hardly there. When he was he liked to scare me - he'd put on the record of 'war of the worlds' because it terrified me and he thought that was funny, or tickled me till I screamed. One time I had war of the worlds stuck in my head for months couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function. I was ill a lot. Homesick a lot.
Then they divorced.
And I had to look after my Mum and my Father, for him I took over my mothers functions (all of them) at age 9. This included shopping (which he would go down the list of, compare with reciept and blow up at me if I had spent too much), cleaning (which I did the wrong way 'just like my mother') and eventually sexual things too - it started with him just watching me in the shower - which I told mum about, but she didn't do anything except talk to him about, then developed into more - I was so scared of him and never understood why till I started having flashbacks at age 18.
On the flip side Mum had cancer and tried to kill herself and I had to look after her too - protect her from my father - everything was passed through me - tell mum this..., tell dad that...., etc. Therefore I got all the anger too and My father was so angry all the time, but passive anger, like not saying he loved me to punish me, or turning up 2 hours late to pick me up then saying he had to leave without me....
god I could go on forever, but I'll stop now, well done to anyone who made it this far
HUGS to all
Avril