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Tired Down and Lost

A page in the diary "One instant at a time"
Written by psyche 17. Jun 2007 06:24 PM

Can't stop crying, am a pathetic mother, can't even pull myself together enough to take my kids to a birthday party so my ex does it, feels like he is their life and i'm just clinging on the edge about to drop off.
My heart hurts, really hurts, actual physical pain and I'm fighting so hard not to just slash my arms open again, but I haven't for 6 months and I don't want to be that person.
I'm fighting so hard to be me, to be independant, to actually do stuff and it all just falls down and gets lost in the sorrow and fear.
Sometimes I just want to lie in bed and cry for my mum. Not my real Mum because she never helped at all but someone who can just come and take the pain and fear away. And I know that person doesn't exist - I know I have to do all the hard work and it just feels too hard.
I just want someone to hold me and keep me safe so I can SLEEP, actually sleep through a night without flashbacks, without the repedative fears, someone I can turn to and who will just say it's ok, we'll fix it in the morning and you're safe with me now and there isn't anyone there and won't be for so long.
Can't stop crying.
I swear if thew drugs I've been on for 4 years are meant to stop depression and anxiety they have done neither for me.
Is there anything that can just make this better, make the pain just stop, I just want it to stop, please.

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Comments from the community:

if i were you i would see a different psychiatrist as if a drugs not worked for 4 years he should have chonged it years ago . if an antidepressent dosent work in 6 weeks its not going to work according to my psychiatrist , and the tranquiilizer im on helps heaps with my anxiety . im also on a mood stableizer and see a psychotherapist everweek .
wishing you luck on your journey to wellness .
love and light .

:o) greenie

Written by greenie, 17. Jun 2007 06:57 PM

Hi Psyche

You are not a pathetic mother. Being a mum is a hard job at the best of times, let alone when you are a single mum and suffer from depression as well. I am a single mum too and it's no easy path to tread.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You obviously love and care about your kids very much.

Someone special will come into your life one day when you least expect it. Hang in there and keep fighting this rotten illness, in the end I know you will win. Stay strong ok.

Love hugs and support
from Shadowdancer xxx

Written by Shadowdancer, 17. Jun 2007 07:51 PM

Psyche

Have a good talk to the psychiatrist about the meds and how you feel they are not helping you any longer and you want a change. Be tough with the doctor and make sure it happens because greenie is right - they take 2-4 weeks to kick in and if they are not doing their job it is time to find something else that works better for you. Be strong and determined with the psychiatrist.

You will get there. Don't be hard on yourself. Baby steps.

Go Psyche!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 17. Jun 2007 08:36 PM

You're not a pathetic mother. Do you know why? Because you feel bad that you couldn't take them to the party. A pathetic mother wouldn't feel that. A pathetic mother wouldn't be trying not to cut her arms open, she'd just slash away. A pathetic mother wouldn't be fighting at all. You're an awesome mum, and I'm sure your kids know it too!

Written by babz, 17. Jun 2007 09:00 PM

P.S. and that's not to say that if you do trip up and cut you're pathetic either, because you tried - and trying is most of the battle.

Written by babz, 17. Jun 2007 09:01 PM

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