This may be bad for some people - deals with abortion
A page in the diary "One instant at a time"
Written by psyche 1. Jun 2007 11:23 PM
Today has been a bad, bad day. It's strange - part of me feels fine and proud of what I'm managing, the other part just sits in a corner quietly crying, or panicking, or just wanting everything to just STOP.
I put in a bond loan application today, which involved me getting up on 3 hrs sleep and racing about on public transport to centrelink and the bank onlyt o get to the office of housing and find that the rules had changed and i needed different bank statements, so i had to rush home and get them, then back to the office...(meanwhile on a razors edge of panic as I have agoraphobia and social phobia and am scared of going on public transport)...But the people at the housing office were lovely and I got my bond loan in 3 hours, not the 48 they said it would take, so I can move away from my abusive ex sooner, have a place that is mine, the first place that is mine ever actually (well, mine and my kids')
Then I went out with P (ex boyfriend who still has my heart, apparently falling back in love with me but leaves for a 3 month overseas trip in 18 days) and we went into a motor bike shop (he rides them)...earlier this year I had become pregnant with him (we had the whole friends who have sex thing going on) and I bonded with the baby before I even deftinately knew I was pregnant - I loved this little almost baby so much, all the more so because it was his. But P freaked out, said it wasn't the right time for him or me, but that he would support me in whatever I decided, I decided to have the baby, having had 2 kids and 2 abortions previously and hating myself for each one (the abortions - I'm all for womens choice - nothing morally wrong with it, it just doesn't sit well with me) And I loved this little almost baby. Then he went back to his parents house for the weekend, spoke to his sister, and totally changed his mind. While he was on his way back to Melb. His sister called me and said 'what was I doing ruining her brothers life and trapping him in melbourne etc. etc.' which upset me, then he came back and told me that for us to ever have any kind of chance again I would have to have an abortion, he didn't want this baby, there was so much bad feeling around it.
So I had an abortion. Because I love him. Because I want to be with him (which is so selfish) and because I couldn't bring a baby into the world where only one parent wanted it, but the one who didn't want it still wanted to be involved. I grew up in that, you know the other parent doesn't love you.
And all this came roaring back at me because when he agreed with me to have the baby (he bought a book and everything) he asked if he could still buy a new motorbike, and we went into a motorbike shop.
So I'm so sad. I still miss my little almost baby, and I don't want P to go overseas because he'll find someone else or go off me (and i know the whole ' if you love something set it free, if it doesn't return to you it never loved you anyway' thing) But I'm so scared.
Plus P isn't sleeping with me 'cause now he has a phobia of getting me pregnant, which makes me think he doesn't want me or love me. Sigh.
Today has sucked.