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I am a useless daughter

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Written by WhiteDove 23. Mar 2008 12:06 PM

I am trying to be positive but everytime i see dad, i fall back in this hole and have this strong urge to do something silly. I feel that its not worth it to go through all this pain cause at the end everything goes back to square one. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and not wake up - I am safe, don't worry. Its so hard to see dad as he is now - not being able to do half the things he could do last week. It hurts so much to see dad go through this. Sometimes when I look in his eyes, I sense that he wants to say something but can't cause the electrical impulse in his brain is not working properly. Another thing I find very hard is seeing him deteriorate and not able to do anything for him.

I feel like a very useless daughter. Yes I do help him with the basics but there is one thing I hate about myself. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I don't go in his room cause i am afraid I will go deeper into this hole. And when I am out with friends, I tend to stay longer cause I know when I come home and see him, my mood will start going down. I feel so horrible. I am so scared to see him. What kind of daughter is that? I don't deserve a father like him. I hate the person I am. I don't even look in the mirror - don't know why, just so scared of everything.

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Comments from the community:

WD. It is natural not to be want to be around someone who is dying because it is very uncomfortable. In fact the dying person merely feels like a burden, because they know they are, and instead of getting comfort they have to give comfort all the time. That's the tough part for them/him. It isn't your fault, but a good performance would be great, you won't get this time again, please try to get it as right as you can. You have been doing really well and I am proud of you, but your Dad does need you, just to be there, you can't help his dying nor would he want that....for you to be there when you can is enough.

Written by Deleted_User, 23. Mar 2008 12:30 PM

WD

do not go down the road of self hatred... it is a dangerous path... avoiding is natural... it is hard and it is self preservation of your enotional self ... you will find it more and more difficult to emotionally be there when you can see the ravages of cancer eating at your father... be gentle on yourself... what you are doing is natural... and you have a lot of courage to do the things you do for your father... given the difficulty it raises...

You do not love your father any less... he knows you love him... and you know he loves you... it is time you loved you... have some compassion for yourself...

take time to gather your strength emotionally and physically... you talk of being tired and wrung out... being out with friends is a healthy way to give yourself some emotional space between you and death... and it is part of the grieving as you are emotionally preparing yourself for the death that you know is coming...

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 23. Mar 2008 01:40 PM

You are not useless, and you are not a bad daughter. When my grandma was dieing I couldn't look at her because I was scared. She was a brilliant, lively lady and it hurt too much to see her trapped inside this frail body, unable to talk, unable to even acknowledge our presence. When my grandfather was in hospital also dieing I couldn't stand to see him. I'd flown all the way from Melbourne to the Gold Coast to be by his bedside but spent the whole time sitting on the balcony because I couldn't stand to see the man who could speak 5 languages fluently incapable of opening his eyes or muttering a coherent word.

It is one of the hardest things anyone could ask you to do even if you were well - to see your father deteriorating to a point where you don't recognise him anymore. But you are have other issues in your life, so don't be so hard on yourself for not wanting to see your dad the way he is.

You are a wonderful, devoted daughter, but you're also human. Let yourself grieve hun

Written by babz, 23. Mar 2008 03:46 PM

WD

You are dealing with such a lot of things for one so young. You are in no way a useless daughter - get rid of that thought. You do the best you can with your dad - be proud of what you do with him/for him.

Go WD!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 31. Mar 2008 06:08 PM

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