Life is complicated
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 9. May 2008 07:35 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there –
Deppies, I am missing you. I don't have regular internet access at the moment, that's why I haven't written for such a long time. And as I am speaking so much Spanish, my English seems to be...gone. Feels pretty rusty to write in english now, and I have trouble to find the right words. But anyway, I just try to tell what happenend, ok?
3 weeks ago I quit my job. I was really really unhappy and there was nothing else to do. It was hard, I was scared before I finally confessed, but it was good to do it. Maybe three or four days later I had the first good night's sleep since a long time.
I am very grateful for the support I had from a woman who works as a freelancer and who's a good friend and counsellor of our boss. She helped me through all the meetings, with my department chief, with my team, with the girls from "human ressources" and with the big boss. She even helped me to prepare money negociations and advised big boss to continue collaborating with me as a freelancer – with a GOOD payment.
Everyone was so friendly. Now that most of them know that I will go soon, they are so HONEST. They all say that it was the right decision and that they are happy for me, although they are sad to lose a good, honest colleague.
I will be free on June 1st! No idea what to do after. I will be able to feed myself and pay the rent, that's pretty sure, but no idea about the rest. First I thought I want to go back to Germany as soon as possible. But now I'm not sure. There are so many possibilities. Do I want safety or adventure? Do I want to go back to my old friends with all the old problems? Do I want to continue as if the spanish adventure never happened? I will keep you informed about my developments.
I am in Germany at the moment, at my parents', sitting in the garden listening to the birds singing, it's almost dark. I need so urgently a little bit peace and quiet. A clear thought. All I feel is confusion. So many things to think about. My subtenant in my old apartment is mad at me since I've told him I maybe come back. He wrote me some abusive emails, calling me cold and arrogant and some more words I will not tell.
I have no idea how to move from Spain to Germany. Renting a truck is simply not possible, because I can't pay it. And I can't go back to my old apartment before August, when the subtenant has moved out. And I simply don't know if I still want to live in my old apartment, my old city – maybe it would be good to start something new. This is the place where I survived my most depressive times. The bedroom in which I lived months of sleepless nights full of tears. This is the place where I was abandoned by my best friend. But it is also the place where I learned to cook chicken soup. Where I have been falling asleep by the light of the stars. For almost 10 years now.
Today I talked with one of my former clients on the phone. I said that I had quit my employee job in Spain and told them a bit about my problems, and two hours later I received an email: "We want to help you!" saying that they want to pay me the truck and give me guaranteed work for 4 days a week to be sure I will not be poor, and offering me a job, in Germany, in their office. I know. This is REALLY nice. It is just all to much for me. Too much and too fast.
I am sad. I'm dealing with some psycho stuff at the moment, on my own. Not the best way, I guess... I have read a book about "inner child work", and it touched me deeply, like something I had been waiting for. I know my inner child, I feel when she is close to me. She can be sooooo sad and she can be so heartfelt happy. Most of the time I can't feel her. These are the times when I can't feel myself, when I just pretend to be interested in things "normal" people are interested. But when she's not with me, nothing matters to me. I'm just wearing a mask with nothing behind.
Dealing with all this "homelessness stuff" like an "adult person" (which means, very controlled and rational), I feel her being sad. It's way too fast for her. She reminds me that we need to mourn when we lose something, even if it was "just" the illusion of a perfect job in spain. I hope that I can practice to listen to her. It's a discovery for me – but it doesn't make life easier – not yet.
Sometimes I think I should just go back home to find a good psychologist or counsellor who helps me out of all this.
Love,
Luise.