I'll take the chance to start a new life!
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 10. Mar 2008 10:27 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
I have decided to like this city I live in now, and I have decided to take this chance to start a new life. I have decided to stay in the NOW and let go of my well-guarded memories of the past.
The reason is that I have been feeling bad for the last week. I get upset by something and the darkness drags me along and beclouds everything until there is nothing left to comfort me. I was in a bad state yesterday morning – until I started to do some CBT practice and write down some things. I realized that the reason behind these lows is that I had lost my confidence into the world and into people in general. This is what is still left from my "Canadian love" - the feeling of insecurity and unsafety, the feeling that I don't deserve love, the feeling that the world and it's people can react unpredictable at any time. It still makes my heart beat when I think about it. I am a fugitive, walking on thin ice. My world is not safe.
I thought about it yesterday and I wrote down some words for myself which immediately eased the pressure on my chest and made me feel better, as if I had found a key:
Hey, I said to myself. You are safe. You do have control over your life now. There is nothing to be scared of. Nobody will hurt you. People in general are nice and well-meaning. Nobody will act unpredictable and blame you and get angry without a reason. There is nothing to bear, this is not a survival training, this is just the good old normal life with work, eat, sleep. Nothing complicated. HE is not here and he will never be in your life again. You can feel unburdened, and you are free to enjoy all the little things life has to give, without feeling like a victim, without feeling like walking on thin ice, not knowing when it will break. It is ok.
I have to keep that in mind. I am safe, and if I feel unsafe, it is because of the past, but the past has gone. And my life – here and now – is safe and even quite enjoyable.
I am the main character of my life story, and nobody else! And all I do and all I chose is about me!!!
And for the first time ever I don't mind losing my "sweet" memories. I feel able to stop conserving them. It is such a huge weight on my shoulders, being a "person with a past" – of course I have a past, but I don't want to live in the past, I don't want this past to affect my whole life, I don't want it to keep me from being alive in the now.
I conserved the memories of my time with my canadian as the "best time of my life", because I couldn't imagine that there could be something similar or better or let's say, more intensive, in the present or the future. I believed that my life was over.
What a huge mistake. There is still so much more life to live, so much to learn and to discover, and how could I believe that this time was the best of my life – a time with so many tears and so much insecurity, a time while I was just controlled by the unpredictable moods of somebody I was highly...dependent on?
He was not nice and it was not good for me. It hurt me and made me unwell for a long time. I deserve someone who really likes me without destroying me. Somebody I can trust in. Somebody who stands by me. Who's interested in me. And as long as I don't meet this person, there's enough other interesting things to do. I will not again stay with someone who makes me doubt about myself.
Love,
Luise.