CBT homework: The bloodcurdling breakfast affair
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 30. Dec 2007 08:35 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
after a few REALLY good days my mood changed this morning. I have been realizing lately that I can recognize the moment my mood falls down, but I can't always avoid the change. It is always connected with a negative/hopeless thought. Even if it's just a very short "automatic thought", it can be enough to throw me back in my black hole for some days.
Sometimes I make it to stop the spiral:
– When I find a positive thought that is strong enough to distract me from the negative thoughts.
– When I make it to distract myself.
- When I make it to concentrate strongly on something different.
- When I make it to proactively look forward to someting.
- When I make it to see the positive side of my thought immediately – before the thoughts start to assail me.
These thoughts are sticky like honey. Once started, it is soooo difficult to think something else and a very small and unimportant issue can ruin my whole day, just because I can't stop thinking about it (even in the background of all my other thoughts). It is like a toothache – you can't ignore it. Know what I mean?
Anyway, here's my CBT homework for today.
I had a really nice christmas at my parents. I enjoyed especially the breakfasts, as normally my parents would have breakfast in the living room in front of the TV, with a coffee from the coffee dispenser, but I prefer to have breakfast together at table with a good fresh coffee, having a nice chat – like we always did on the weekends when I was younger.
This morning I talked with my mother on the phone and told her I liked the breakfasts, and she said: "We ALWAYS have breakfast at the table. But YOU never liked it." So it is all my fault. Was she lying consciously? Or was it just a misunderstanding? She must KNOW that I don't like to eat in front of the TV, as I told them more than once. I MISSED the real breakfasts. I never said I don't like them.
My mood sank. Why does she always do this? Blame me for everything? How did she manage it to turn a nice talk into something uncomfortable? How did she manage to make me feel guilty again? And what's the point – why do I react so strongly although I know that it is her mistake? I even called her and talked with her again, but I still don't feel good.
Let's see what I thought:
I thought they make these breakfasts for me – but they didn't even know. She blamed me for them having breakfast in front of the TV. It is my mistake, because I "didn't like the breakfasts". She always blames me. She must hate or at least condemn me, otherwise she wouldn't do this. My parents don't love me, the nice christmas was just an illusion. This talk ruins the whole christmas. I better should have kept my mouth shut.
– Even if they didn't make the breakfast especially for me, they did a lot of other nice things to show their love. Look at your christmas presents. They are all nice and picked with love.
– It is not my guilt that my parents have breakfast in front of the TV. They developed this habit during the years while they had breakfast alone. It has nothing to do with me. And they are not unhappy with it.
- My mother doesn't ALWAYS blame me. She's not very good in admitting her mistakes, but she is learning.
– It is a bit far out to reason that she hates me. She surely didn't even think about what she said. She just picked the first reason that came into her mind, and if I wouldn't have reacted, she would have forgotten about it 5 minutes after.
– Sometimes older people see a period long ago as if it was yesterday. "We always have breakfast at the table." Yes, 5 years ago. She didn't say this to blame me. It was her perception.
– It has nothing to do with hate or condemnation. She simply had a different perception of the situation.
– A little irritation like this doesn't make the whole christmas an illusion. It was really, truely nice. We talked a lot, we felt comfortable, we spent much more time together then before. I really got coddled!
My mother bought me medicine for my cough.
She bought fresh fruits for me.
They bought my favorite chocolates.
My father had asked before what food I wish for the christmas brunch.
All their presents for me showed love and understanding.
They told me how proud they are about me going to spain.
They told me how much they felt with me about all the difficulties.
– Every irritation is a learning experience. This time I haven't kept my mouth shut, but I am not really content. Next time I can react different, in a way that respects my needs.
Well, that's it. A medal for everyone who made it so far. Go and get yourself some chocolate. You deserve it!!!
:-)
Love,
Luise.
5 positives for today:
- I found out that I will celebrate new year's eve with neighbours and friends. We will eat and play boardgames and have just a nice, comfortable evening, and I can go home by feet and fall into my bed whenever I want to. (and can get pissed if I want to – sorry, I mean, erm, tipsy, I just find the word sooooo funny, PISSED, haha!!!)
- I'm going to watch a Harry Potter Movie RIGHT NOW. Since Christmas I am the happy owner of a DVD box with the movies 1-5.
– I bought a black dress and black trousers today – lucky me, they were still available in my size.
– I will live a healthier life in 2008 – good thing it is still 2007!!!
– 3 months without any news from my canadian, and I'm still alive.