Merry Christmas (and some CBT stuff)
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 24. Dec 2007 10:07 AM
Hello all,
I wish you all a good and peaceful christmas, no matter if you are alone or with friends or family. Never forget that there is still one person by your side you will never lose: You! And this person must love you very much and must be very strong and protective, otherwise you would have given up long time ago. But you are still here, you are fighting, you are abiding, you are telling your story – still alive, still a human being, however you may feel today.
I send my love to you all. You have been a good company in my sleepless nights and in my saddest moments. It was good to know that there is somebody who knows how I feel, who knows the story. Even if they are in Australia! Or Dubai! Or Michigan! Knowing that you have an open ear for me is immensely comforting - as are most of your comments.
Thank you so much!
I have decided to start doing the CBT stuff again, on a regular basis. Although I have a pretty good life at the moment, I still feel down, not terribly down, but down, and as I don't have a therapist at the moment and will move to spain soon, this is the only thing I can do at the moment.
Will you help me? Will you have an open eye and make comments and give me a piece of your mind, if necessary?
So here are some of my "bad thoughts":
1) I will never be cured from this depression. I will always feel terrible, and nothing will change when I'm in spain.
-> Things need time. With my new job in spain I have layed the foundations for feeling better:
- regular times of work and sleep are known for being helpful.
- getting out of the loneliness is known for being helpful.
- Lots of sun and daylight are known for being helpful.
- new experiences are known for being helpful.
- Doing things I like (like learn a new language; go to the big central market with all it's colorful fruits and vegetables, smells and noises and tastes; take photos of my new town; go to the Aquarium; take yoga lessons; restart painting...) should be helpful.
I know that when I was depressed last time and overcame it, I also had to make the preparations still in the dark. I found a traineeship in an advertising agency, but the first few weeks I was still in darkness. It was sometimes very difficult, like I had to decide for someone who wasn't present at this moment. I was a ship without a captain. But I was brave and strong and built up my new life. And one day I realized surprisingly that I was actually happy. I came out of the dark, but it needed time, and it didn't change just by the preparations, I had to live with the new life for some weeks to really feel better. Why should it be different this time?
2) But I should be happy! Something is wrong with me when I'm not happy.
--> You have reached so much. And you have worked so much, it was also pretty stressful, so don't force yourself to be joyful. People may expect that, but they haven't been running around in a foreign city for a week hunting for an apartment, only to be shown windowless broom closets.
You should? The only thing you should is feel what you feel, without thinking about the expectations of others. Are you a better person when you are happy? Are you a better person when you adapt to others? For whom is it wrong when you are not happy? Mabe it is not your feeling that is wrong but the expectations? How can anybody expect you to feel something? Relax. Even if nobody understands you, you are still the same person.
3) Everybody has a boyfriend, just I don't. And I never find one. There must be something wrong with me. And without a boyfriend, I haven't reached the goal. I need a boyfriend to be a successful person.
-> It is not true that everyone has a boyfriend. There are many people who don't. (For example Weebee, Marina, Monika, Renate) And there are also some who still find one – after a long time of loneliness. Karin, for example, or Gaby.
-> I can not know if I never find one. I had one last year, for almost half a year, but it turned out terrible, because he was a psycho. Not my mistake. I have Bernard, who still loves me. It is possible to fall in love again.
-> There is nothing wrong with me. I am as loveable as my canadian found me: I am wise, funny, strong, loving, I am a good cook, I am couaraged and I HAVE FEELINGS – most of the time too much rather than too little.
-> There are several goals in life, and none of them is obligatory. People find their happiness in love and family, or in spiritual development, or in making new experiences, or in their job, or in travelling, or in find new passions. I am successful in the job area, the learning area, the spiritual area, the new experiences area, and I even experienced a great love last year.
-> Whatever it means to be a successful person, there is nobody needed than yourself. I am successful in just living. I am successful in overcoming a bad experience, I am successful in mourning and crying, I am successful in living alone, I am successful in my job, I was successful in the job hunt, I am successful in searching a new home for myself in spain, I am successful in being curious and couraged, I am successfull in coping with my moods, I am successful in nurturing friendships, I am successful in finding good books and reading them, I am successful in doing the best I can to love this life. This is more anybody can expect.
Love
Luise.