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The human waterfall

A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 5. Dec 2007 12:59 AM

Hi diary and everybody out there,

how much can one person cry? I am such a raw egg at the moment. It was all too much for me.

This morning I received an eMail from the mother of Canada, she told about how they are going and asked affectionately how I am and how the job interview went, and there was only one little phrase: He is at home at the moment. He is well.

And something touched me in the pit of my stomach, but I ignored it, as I was appointed with a friend to visit IKEA (Do you have IKEA in Australia?). Just to feel sick and panicky for the whole morning, until I came back and started writing an answer to her. And the tears began to flow...I'm just sad, so incredibly sad, and I miss him so much, I miss his loveable parts so much, I miss the friend, I miss telling him about the job in spain. It is so hard to know that he still exists and that there are people who are close to him and who still SEE him, and it is hard to realize again and again that this really happened to me and what a terrible time it was and how much I have lost.

I am nothing but pain. It breaks me in pieces, or like he would say: It's eating me alive.

I understand the urge to hurt myself physically just to feel something else than the inner pain.

And then the spain thing seems sooooo too much for me. I need so much strength. I am terrified by all the things I have to do, it's all too much and I'm so scared by this huge change.

And then this morning I had a paper at my car accusing me to having damaged the car of someone. But I don't remember having done anything. But I called the person – a woman – and told her I don't remember the accident, sorry, and she went very angry and told me she would go to the police and make a complaint. I tried to explain but she just hung up.

My father told me to go to the police by myself, and – lucky me – I met this woman at the police station. We argued a while, both trying to explain, watched by a sedate policeman, and after some time I couldn't hold back my tears. And she was very sorry, told me she didn't want anything bad, she just wanted somebody to look at the car to see if it was ok, she was friendly in the end and we found an agreement, but I still can't stop to cry, I am so ashamed, I should be happy, my life is ok, I am loved by my friends, I've got the job of my dream and all I want to do is hide in my bed and cry. But unfortunately I can't, I have so much work to do, but today I can't do it, and for this I'm also ashamed, why can I not take it easy and be happy?

And I don't have the heart to call any of my friends, as I believe that nobody would understand.

I myself don't understand.
Well, except that it was all a bit too much.

Sorry for the rant,
but that's how I feel.

Luise.

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Comments from the community:

Hi Luise

You are almost bound to be feeling very emotional. You have had a year of emotional upheaval and now you are going to change your life completely, taking away everything else that is familiar. No matter how much you want it, it is still scary.

You don't know how people really feel, because part of you doesn't know how you feel either.

Sorry about the accident. Sometimes when we are upset we hardly notice what is happening around us. I presume it was something minor - a carpark scrape perhaps?

Yes. We have IKEA here. They're a bit like the common cold I think. Everywhere.

Spend some time each day thinking about the things you are going to enjoy about Spain. Help to balance out the fear of change.

Be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by Deleted_User, 5. Dec 2007 07:15 AM

Luise

Jenny is right. You have had a very tough and emotional year and now you are looking at moving countries and that on top of everything else is probably playing havic on you, your feelings, emotions, thoughts.

At least you got out to Ikea - great shops - could spend all day in ours. It is nice the canadian's mother emailed you but you don't need to know how he is going - that is too hard for you to deal with and with everything that is going on you need simple things for you.

Take it easy Luise and cry when you need to - as I said yesterday. The emotions are part of what happened to you this year and the coming move to spain.

Go Luise!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Dec 2007 02:18 PM

Dear Luise,
As everyone else has said plus enormous empathy.
HUGS
A

Written by winterrain, 5. Dec 2007 03:21 PM

Luise,

I'm sure there is nothing I could say that you don't already know yourself--with one exception. I'm wondering if your sudden discontinuation of your meds could be causing some of your turmoil at the moment. You might want to talk to your doctor and tell him/her that you've discontinued the meds and that they didn't seem to help. He/she should be willing and able to give you advice on how to best reduce your dosage over time and eventually stop altogether while minimizing the side effects. Seriously, I think you should look into this as it may be part of your problem.

If not, then, as I said, there is probably nothing I can say that you don't already know. Canada is history and you need to put that behind you, but you know that. Spain is a good thing that you should be excited about, and I think you are deep down. Try and find a way to let the joy and excitement of your new life come out and motivate you. Let it overpower the darkness and don't let the darkness overshadow the excitement of this opportunity. Good things are coming!!! Let the good define you, not the negative. I know, easier said than done but you and I both know that is what you should be trying to do--so do it.

Take care,
HD

BTW -- Jenny is right. IKEA is everywhere. I mean really, who can live without cheap Scandinavian furniture you need to assemble yourself?

Written by hounddog, 6. Dec 2007 01:46 PM

Dearest Luise

Everythingthat need to be said has I think already been said. Iwould just like to add that you have manyfriends that do understand the pain ou are going through everyone on this site has experienced the very high highs along with the very low, lows that come after.

We are here for everyone. It is our experiences which enable us to understand the feeling that each of us goes through.

Love and support always

(((((((((Luise))))))))

Recovery1

Written by Deleted_User, 9. Dec 2007 11:36 AM

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