A new life
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 30. Nov 2007 06:56 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
I've got the job in spain. This is the most important news at the moment – it will change everything. Within two months I will be spanish, I will live in spain, I will drink spanish coffee every day, I will eat all the fine things I have been dreaming about when I was back home in germany. I've got the job.
A dream has come true.
It feels so unreal. I will need some more time to to really understand that it has happened and what it means for me and my further life. I am happy. It's like a rock against which I can lean. The other things are still there, like I'm still sad about the canadian story, but now there is some weight added to the scale pan of joy.
I'm calm. I don't know if I should be excited – at the moment it feels like after having run a marathon. I need to recover from the adventures of last week. I went to spain and back two times, I got my wallet stolen and missed two flights, the job interview was terrible, I spent most of the time in train stations and airports, in the german consulate and in a spooky hostel, and I cought a terrible cold, my head feels like twice it's size, but hey, I'm here, I'm alive and I've got a job in spain.
This entry may sound a bit confused, but that's what I am: Tired, sick and confused. I am happy but on the other side I'm not far from tears at any moment. Joy and sadness are so similar sometimes. It's so BIG, this change is so BIG that i'm just stunned. I will start to move again. But at the moment there is no energy for anything else than doing the most necessary stuff. Every energy left is needed for my thoughts and imaginations and for being amazed. This big change makes me look at my whole life – at the things that happened in the past, at my life now and at everything that leaded to my soon-to-come new life in spain.
It's like I'm standing face to face to my destiny. It makes me speechless. I see the future. I know what will happen. There is a future. Finally, after some very dark times, there is a future.
Having hope for the future makes me able to look back:
There were times when I couldn't sleep, when I started to cry every time I layed down in my bed.
There were times when I lived from nothing but waffles and marshmallows, heated over a candle. And I did nothing but sit in my armchair and watch TV the whole day – I simply couldn't do anything else.
There were times I tried to heal myself with activities. I painted the walls of my sleeping room, alone.
There were times when I forced my self soooooo hard to act like a normal person although I was hurt so much.
There were times when I tried so hard to save the relationship to my canadian, as if I would carry the whole world on my shoulders.
There were times when I was suicidal.
There were times when I believed that all my friends hate me and that I'm not worth anyone's friendship, although it was friendship I needed the most.
I was so mad at everyone. At the happy ones, the loving couples, at my parents, my therapist, my friends.
There were times I worked in the advertising agency with people but inside I was just shaking for fear.
But it was all me. I couldn't see it, i thought this person is just a slimy lump of nothing, but it was all me, and I survived. I survived.
More good news. Almost by luck I managed to come off my meds. I forgot them after coming back from spain and now, 5 days later, I still feel good without them. They never really helped – I still had terrible lows while taking my meds, and my good and bad times still depended more on my thoughts and on what happened in my life. Feels good to be clean! I hope I will not have any late side-effects.
That's it for now. I will go back now to my strange life. I hope that you all are ok or at least keep the spark of hope.
Love,
Luise.