Poor me!
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 10. Nov 2007 08:58 AM
First of all:
Thank you for all these comforting comments to my last entry. I am glad to know you all, and I feel really understood. This is a wonderful feeling. You all can mark the "useful and needed" point in the next deptest. Thank you!!!!!
This night I dreamed of going to bed early, with a good book, and sleep early. I am sooooooo tired after lots of work. I had a loose appointment with a friend to visit a concert i a pub, but I felt more like seeing her for a coffee and going home after. She was disappointed, but we met anyway and had a nice time downtown in the bookstore cafe. Then she asked if we coulnd't at least have dinner together, but I was soooo tired and said no.
And she accused me: "You are so boring, you never go out with me, you are always tired – it's just your depression, I should have known it, I will never ask you again to go out with me...see you...somewhere along the way." And she climbed on her bicycle and departed. It cold even be possible that she had tears in her eyes.
And there I stood, shaking my head, not knowing what to feel. I just hate the feeling of being abandoned. I hate the feeling of being not good enough. I know more or less that I haven't really done anything wrong – she's a very sensitive person, very easy to irritate.
But still...I am very damageable, especially when I'm criticised or when somebody doesn't talk clear. Always doubting about myself. Am I a poor friend? Am I selfish ? Do I always think about myself first? Do I ignore the needs of others?
Anyway, instead of having a calm night with my book I have a teary night. I feel sad and guilty, but also mad at her. She could have accepted that I'm just tired after weeks of work, even without weekends. Instead she said: "You know, I worked the whole week, too." Yeah. We are just so different.
She is an active, extroverted person. She likes to go out.
I have nothing against people, but after a certain amount in public I need time for myself. Maybe this is special, but I need these quiet times to feel well. I don't want to be judged because of this.
And it is not "my depression" that makes me want to stay home. When I feel depressed I don't feel like anything. But I do feel like...going to bed early, with a good book.
And then again I doubt everything: Am I creating an excuse to avoid visiting the pub? Is the real reason some secret fear? But what would I fear except being bored by a band I don't know instead of reading a good book? But everybody likes to go out – why am I so different? What's wrong with me? I should like to go out like everybody. I should be like everybody...
I'm tired. And there is still this canadian in my head and heart, who also left me, who also found I wasn't good enough for him. Booo-hoooooo. Poor me.
Night all, and sorry for the rant.
Love,
Luise.