Feeling very down.
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 11. Oct 2007 01:01 AM
Dear Diary and everybody out there,
I don't know how it happened that my mood could spiral downward so fast. I feel like a vegetable, nothing touches me and the only tears I can cry are tears about my mental condition.
I had my hopefully expected appointment with the new psych today, and I didn't feel very welcome. And he didn't bother to raise my hopes. All he said was ambiguous, he didn't answer any question clearly. What if...what if even he can't help me? I have been so sure that I'm just a slight case of reactive depression who can easily be cured by the right words. Teach me how to deal with the canada story and I will be fine.
And he acts as if I have been depressive for all my life - no sir, this is not my "normal condition" - I AM NOT pessimistic and NOT weak and I WOULD LIKE to deal with my problems, if only this fucking depression wouldn't keep me from having a clear mind. As if I had chosen this shit!!! I would LOVE to feel my feelings, even the worst ones, I would LOVE to cry for the whole next year - nothing that happens in reality can be as hard as this depression shit. I'm so tired of it!!!!
If only my old psych from home would not be so far away.
It's two years now. I had good times inbetween, and that helped me to stay a bit hopeful - but it is true that this episode of depression has been lasting for more than 10 months now - although I made a huge amount of therapy attempts, and although I'm such a brave person. I still go out even when I feel like shit and I try sooooo hard to "have fun". Why is it so difficult to crawl out of the mud?
Ok, I am living alone. I am working alone. And I have no much work at the moment, what means more time. But if I weren't depressive, I wouldn't mind. I had always some little privat project to do: A story to write, a picture to paint, something like this. If I weren't depressive, I would love to have this time for myself, and I would enjoy it.
Instead my only joy at the moment is sleeping. I know this is not healthy, but I have to admit that I found myself wishing that the night would never end and I would never wake up again. It scared me.
Please, god, give me a reason to live.
Love,
Luise.
PS: Don't worry. It was just a thought and I myself was scared about it. I will not do anything. I will try to cheer myself up.
Five good things today:
1) My neighbour gave me a belated birthday present from him and his girlfriend - a book about the photo collection of the museum of modern art. It was a lovely present, as I had talked with him about my interest in photography - and they kept it in mind!
2) I will probably join a "biographic writing" workshop at the weekend. It is expensive, but think it could do me good.
3) I talked with my dad on the phone for 23 minutes! He's alone at home, my mother is in vacations.
4) Had an honest talk on the phone with my old lover Bernard in France. I enjoyed being able to be honest.
5) My Friend Karin came with her Baby Moritz (1,5 years old), and he managed to say the name of my cat - "Eisbär"! This actually made me smile. If you know what he means, it's almost comprehendible.