This is me
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 9. Oct 2007 05:28 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
i've been struggling for the last few days, I feel consumed by my memories of the canadian story, and this is not good. What can I do to find back to myself? I feel like his horcrux, if anybody has read Harry Potter - like a part of his soul which is sourced out into my body. Or I feel like a part of my soul is over there in canada, and the connection is tearing me apart.
It's useless to think of him all the time. He has a new life with a new girlfriend, he is going on, and he is 6000 km away from me. He is not my soulmate anymore, and the macigal connection between us was just intended to last for a short time.
I have to go my own way now.
He doesn't need me anymore. And I don't need him! I don't need anybody who is not reliable, who doesn't resepect my needs, who is sometimes more enemy than friend, more threat than comfort. I don't need pain. I have to learn that real love is not automatically connected with pain. If it hurts, it's not love.
I deserve every comfort and joy I can give to myself. I will show myself that there's more in my life than grief and depression. I am my best friend! I am not depending on any canadian bastard - he is not the only person I met in my life, and my experiences in Spain and Canada are not the only experiences ever. I'm not his creation. Why do I listen to quebecois music all the time and look at my camino pictures and torture me to write the whole story of the walk and look at my backpack which is the same he has? I'm not a smaller version of him, I am much more, I am me.
I started my walk alone - I was a strong woman who wanted to walk alone, and then I met him and at the beginning I was still strong and independent, but with his declarations of love my addiction to him grew - I had waited so long for someone to love me. But NO LOVE is worth to lose myself. I am better off without him but having myself back.
I was too mild. I always remembered the good times and I missed him sooooo much, my only love, my soulmate! But much of it was just words - soulmate sounds better than "the girl I ignore 70 percent of the time", doesn't it?!
It's not about getting angry. I just want to put things in perspective - for myself. I don't want to hate him or be angry. But I desperately need to LOVE myself and give myself comfort, safety, care, attention, joy and all the possibilities of development I deserve. I will evolve my life and my talents for MYSELF!
I will not surpress or disrespect myself just because he did.
Love,
Luise
PS: The best revenge is a good life.