Zombie
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 7. Oct 2007 01:45 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
I need to find something to cheer me up today. I was having some pretty good days lately, but now I'm back to feeling low again, and I sooooooo hate it.
When I felt good I couldn't imagine to ever fall back again, as all my depressive thoughts seemed so incredibly stupid and unlogical. Wow, it was such a nice feeling to feel just like me, and to like the things I do and to be happy to wake up in the morning and to know that all in all I'm a good person.
Where is it gone?
I'm soooo tired now, and nothing really matters for me except the question how to overcome my low mood. Why can't I just go on with my life?
I'm still very affected of the canadian affair. I have started to write all my memories down in a book, and after some days I realized that I had just diappeared in the land of my memories, which meant I was not at all present in my real life. I talked with somebody about it and they told me to let go of my memories, but it feels for me as if it's not the moment yet, but I'm kind of ashamed about it. A big "I SHOULD" is floating over my head. I should live my life. I should let go. I should not be depressed. A normal person would just continue their life and let go of the past and have fun NOW.
But this is my life and I don't want to explain again and again what I'm feeling and why I can't act like a "normal person". I don't enjoy how I feel, and I didn't choose it.
This boy had such an effect on my life and my feelings, it is incredible. I feel like prisoned in a kind of autorepeat - as if the experience with him has left a barbed hook in my soul to be sure I can't get rid of it. It's because I can't UNDERSTAND. I still have difficulties to understand what happened to me and why he treated me like this and why I didn't see what would happen. I still can't bring the pieces together - what I have lived with him was so intensive but sooooo conflictive that my brain is still not flexible enough to see the whole picture at once.
I'm wondering if I have maybe a slight version of post traumatic stress disorder?
I am looking forward to start therapy with the new psych on wednesday - I am sure with the help of somebody who finds the right words to help me out of the labyrinth I will make progress and find my way.
Love,
Luise.