It is over
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 25. Sep 2007 09:15 AM
Hey diary and everybody out there,
tonight, doing some more internet research - I couldn't resist - I found out that HE is with her since february. Or maybe longer. They seem to have the kind of easy, simple and lightweighted relationship which is the only kind he can bear - and she seems to really want it like this. Maybe she's strong enough to trust him - and maybe he feels free enough with her to be able to live this relationship.
What I feel? Relief. Tonight I feel relieved. One day I will understand that it is over, that this story belongs to the past and that there is at least a beautiful, intensive memory left, but nothing more. And on this day my life will go on.
I know why I still feel numb - if I would remember the love and the closeness I felt with him for such a short time, I couldn't bear it. So bless my numbness.
He wrote me many emails since february, and he was not always well - and he still wanted to communicate. And he remembered everything, again and again, he gave respect to the memories and to what we've lived together - although he must have already been with her.
What does that mean? That nothing has changed really? That he wants to continue our friendship anyway? In June he called me and we spoke some words and he said that I am still one of his very special persons - and the list is very short.
Girlish stuff, but I really hope I can keep this attitude of relief and calmness.
Good news! I have made some decisions AND I found myself an accomplice for my battle for a better life:
I will stay here, at my old place for at least half a year. I have realized that everything I do is affected by my urge to overcome depression, and the whole job hunt was not much more that an attempt to escape - escape my loneliness, my broken relationships, my bad memories, my depression. Now I respect that I need the time to overcome depression first before I go on with my life. If I really change job and town, I want to decide it with a free mind, unaffected by my mental state. I just want to decide what I really want and what would be the most joyful way to take for me - not make a sensible decision which is supposed to support my mental health. I want to be free. I WILL be free.
Today I was at my doctor. He's also a psych, and I asked him if he could imagine to be my psychotherapist, and he said yes to some test session to see if we fit together. I have new hope. Every time I came out of his surgery, I felt better - although he sometimes made me angry. He said that I would need YEARS to get well, but I will show him ;-)
Gonna make a nightshift tonight - worked the whole day to hear this evening that they don't like my ideas and they need more until tomorrow morning. Phew. I'm feeling sooo uncreative! Need time for myself. And then, when I have time, I procrastinate, as I'm afraid to think about myself - althoug I actually KNOW that it would do me soooooo good to have some quiet time for me.
That's it for today. Just needed to write a bit.
You mates feel like a secret family for me, and I enjoy telling you what's up in my life - knowing that most of you share some of the experiences and also the hopes.
Wish you all a great, peaceful day.
Luise
Note for myself, next morning:
It IS possible to feel good. Never forget that. This morning I feel good and peaceful. Everything has retrieved it's right perspective. My life is no drama. It's just my life. Everything is good and safe. My thoughts are clear. And I'm actually LOOKING FORWARD to the day and all the things I want to do:
- write the camino story!
- arrange my mp3 collection to put it on my new ipod
- read harry potter
- write some emails
- watch a movie to relax
...