Tonight I need a friend
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 20. Sep 2007 10:03 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
it's getting autumn, I'm in my bed and freezing. I feel sick and tired and sad. The meds took all the really bad depression symtomes from me - like the self-hate thoughts and the loss of sense of time and the anxiety. This is the god news. I'm just sad, but I'm not ashamed of it, if that makes any sense. But I have forgotten how hard sadness can be. I'm suffering the simple grief of a relationship breakup, which I would have suffered months before, if I wouldn't have felt so numb almost all the time.
With the lifting of the fog my memories of last year came back, and I almost enjoyed the longing for my beloved canadian. Or let's say, I was amazed about what a strange person I have met and what a strange, unexpected, close relationship was given to me. For a short moment I had experienced unconditional, true love - something I painfully needed, maybe the thing I needed most. Whatever happened after - I am greatful for the short moments of his love.
I wasn't really present in reality for the last few days - I was taking a bath in the warm waters of my travel memories, walking the camino santiago again with him by my side. I'm overwhelmed by the pictures in my head - they are much clearer than my photos - and they are uncountable. So many memories.
He promised me so many times we would stay together forever. He told me about his weaknesses, especially his fear of too close relationships, and how to deal with this fear. He said: Even when I don't seem to be close to you sometimes, be sure: Deep inside I'm still with you. He told me I was his soulmate. One of his first german words he learned was "Seelenverwandschaft" ("Soulmateship").
We shared soooo much in these three months of walking together.
Yesterday night I did something really really stupid. I destroyed my own peace.
I googled his name. And then his usual nickname. I wish I hadn't found him, but I did. I found his profile on a canadian dating website with a note for all visitors, that he's not longer available, as he has a new girlfriend, the beautiful member number ....
She looks nice. A bit like me.
I wish I had not had this bad idea - I painfully regret my curiosity now. Although knowing that HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND doesn't change the facts, it changes so much for me.
I have no words for my pain. I am brave. I have many sensible explications for myself - like "It's better not to live with an illusion, at least you know the facts now". But that's just words. I am so sad that I don't want to see people, I don't want to eat, and I will never come out of my bed again.
I thought he was mine. Somehow I still thought there was a strong, special connection between us. I will always be "the girl who walked by his side for three months". He knows me perfectly. I know him. We've been partners. We've been a good team. We shared so much joy and so much pain. How can he be as close to someone else as he was to me?
I know, it simply happens. I'm amazed about the turnarounds of life. I want him to be happy. But still, I miss him so, so, so much. As I would miss a part of myself.
Good night, I'm gonna try to sleep. Hugs and comfort welcome.
Love,
Luise.