Late at night
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 2. Sep 2007 08:08 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
I was already almost asleep. Well, not really. I just lay in my bed thinking about the most difficult relationship in my life at the moment - my former best friend who disappeared after finding a man/having a baby. And before I could think about it I started crying.
I've been taking the Antidepressant for more than a month now - and, well, it helps a bit. I still have lows, it didn't change the world, but my lows are not as low as before, and the changes are small, but important:
I have a good deal less "bad thoughts" about myself, and I'm more able to appreciate social contacts.
And most of the time I am sooooooo relaxed. Which increases procrastination. But I don't care - as long as I feel good with it...
I feel less guilty about "being lazy" - I am able to relax and take as much time for myself as I need.
I feel like recovering - like being in a kind of healing process. I have strange dreams. I sleep a lot. I am soooo tired. I cry a lot. I feel a bit slowed down, but I don't care - I have always been a slow person, and the less stress, the better. I protect myself from everything that can cause stress. I limit my working time.
My memories come back and with the memories the puzzle pieces fall in place and I understand. I understand the causes of my depression.
I've read a book (recommended by my old-new therapist) about the neuro-biologic effects of relationships. It was interesting to learn that almost every depression is caused by emotional stress in a relationship - mostly connected with loss or fear of loss - because experiences of loss are saved in our brains as life-threatening (because when you are a baby, you NEED people, you can't survive without) - and this causes some chemicals in the brain to create stress, and that makes depression. Well, more or less.
I found it interesting, as I lost more or less three-fourths of my important relationships in 2005 - the year depression started again.
I lost Delia, who was my singing teacher and kind of a mentor for me - I have known her for a long time. She disrespected our friendship by saysing something very insulting which broke my trust immediately.
I lost Jako, my best friend and "the man I wanted to marry" - he married a friend of a friend of mine and made her a baby. I even was supposed to be the marriage witness.
I lost Karin, my best friend who lived in my house and was kind of a family for me. We have been seeing eachother every day. Now she has a man and a baby and I feel like I have to beg on my knees for her spending some time with me. I don't even think that she knows how much I miss her - maybe she doesn't realize, as she has received a man and a baby, she is not lonely at all - but she has left a gap in my life that has not been filled yet.
And then, one year later, I have met my beautiful canadian...and lost him.
And after all, I started a psychotherapy and my therapist managed to make me be soooooo mad at my parents that I almost destroyed this relationship also.
Good thing I realized this at least soon enough.
I have to keep an eye on the good relationships in my life. There people who are interested in me and who like me - and I am determined to be as dinkum as I can with them. This is my kind of being a good person. That's all I can do to respect them - and myself. I have been shallow to hide my terrible feelings of fear, sadness and shame - but everybody has once experienced these feelings, and there's nothing wrong to feel like that.
Love,
Luise
PS: Can I have a hug, please?