Developments
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 28. Aug 2007 09:10 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
don't know where to start.
I feel like I have been living in silence for the last few weeks, hidden in my apartment, separated from my friends - but it's just the depressive view of things - when I'm not depressive, I don't feel lonesome, and I know I have things to tell.
But at the moment I haven't. I can only be very shallow, or I can talk hours about myself and my inner developments, and who would want to hear that?
At least I can tell you guys about the deppie stuff. Been taking the meds for 4 weeks now, and they haven't made a great difference. I have had a few good days which I sooooooooo enjoyed - but I guess it was not because of the meds, but because of some other reasons.
I have finished a big advertising project with one of my clients on which we worked more than 4 weeks, and it was a nice feeling of relief - knowing that I would finally have some truly deserved days to relax.
I went to my best friend who celebrated her 30. birthday, in the hometown of my parents, 500 km from here, but unfortunately it wasn't as relaxed as I hoped, as we were sooooo many people in soooo little room and I didn't have any time for myself. And then my car was damaged and I stuck there for two days more - in a one-room-apartment with my best friend and her boyfriend, and I wasn't in such a good state and was quite obsessed with the idea that I'm annoying them with my presence. Anyway, all in all it was not such a bad time. They are true friends who never get tired of telling me that they are happy to see me and that it's just stupid to think I bother them. Anyway, you all know how these thoughts can become a life of their own...
At home I had two sessions with the therapist who helped me through my first episode of depression when I was 19. She's a wise woman, very caring, very different from my therapist who I have here. She was able to lift the darkness around me a bit and helped me to understand the reason of my emotional numbness: "It's a protection", she said - "your body protects you from feelings you couldn't cope with at the moment. Don't worry - your emotions are still there - just hidden until you're strong enough to deal with them." Isn't it amazing that short time after hearing this I COULD feel some of my emotions??? (Just to realize that I really can't cope with them...)
Just wait, she said. Trust. This will go away. I promise. Don't fight - embrace. Just these two sessions had a considerable effect which is still continuing:
I have made peace with my parents.
Especially with my mother. For the last half year I have been soooooo mad at her - because I felt as if my parents don't stand by me, don't love me. I felt so ashamed - such a loser of a daughter, mentally ill, not capable to keep a boyfriend, unhappy in her job. But suddenly I felt relief and realized that they do love me. They are my family - they are like me, and I am like them, and why should they not love me? It's not my mistake that I was unlucky with my relationships, and it's not my mistake to be depressed.
Phew. One problem less. I suspect my other therapist for this: She helped me to retrieve my memory of some childhood feeling of loss or being abandoned - but she never showed me how to solve it. My poor parents. But now I can talk freely with them.
Although I still feel depressed and joyless most of the time, my thoughts of self-hate have decreased. I am just a poor girl who has lived some shit and who has depression. But does that really mean that I am doing everything wrong, and that I'm completely unloveable? I have lost some friends over the last two years. But none of them went away because I was so unloveable. They simply chose a different way. I still have some difficulties with letting go one of my best friends, the one with the baby and the boyfriend - but it doesn't completely ruin my self-esteem. Well, at least most of the time.
Sometimes my body lowers it's protection and lets me catch a glimpse on the feelings I would have if I wouldn't feel numb: An incredible feeling of longing and loss. I still miss my canadian soooo much. Time hasn't healed anything. I never thought that it is possible to miss somebody this hard. In these times I see his good self, I remember the good moments we had and I am simply sad that he isn't by my side, making stupid jokes, talking stupid stuff - whatever he was for me - lover, soulmate, long missed big brother.
He's more than the bad borderline boy. He's just him, with all his good and bad sides. I tried to be sooooo sensible and tried to forget his good parts, I thought I must be angry, and I tried hard, but when I listen to my soul, to the innocent child that fell in love with him, there is no anger. There is just love and disappointment and the will to love again. I have punished this inner child for having loved. I haven't allowed any feeling of love or care. "Why don't you express your feelings?" the other therapist asked me - and so I wrote an email to him, just telling him that it is hard to let him go and that I still miss him very much. I do. And it is normal and healthy and allowed.
Wow. What a lot of stuff. Good on you who endured until here. There is still something left - more good news.
It looks as if I am building up a friendship with my neighbours - a shy couple about whom I have been thinking that they find me strange or don't like me. We have met several times during the last two weeks, inviting eachother for coffee, having dinner together, watching movies, playing a boardgame. I really like them. I need people around me whom I like and who are easy to be with. I am really thankful for these neighbours and I appreciate our contact. Two days ago he knocked at my door to invite me for coffee and I was crying, but I still opened and said: Don't worry, just an acute lovesickness attack. And he said: Don't worry - crying is not a bad thing. So he has seen me crying and they still like me?! Cool.
That's all for now, sorry for this flood of words, but it was a long time since my last entry.
Love,
Luise.