Just a short report about how I am doing
A page in the diary "Good mourning!"
Written by Luise 31. Jul 2007 03:16 AM
Hi diary and everybody out there,
today is my 6th day with the meds. No significant side effects. The first three days were ok - almost good - I felt more relaxed and slept better, and it was easier to follow the CBT rules. And I felt a bit more awake and less exhausted. I even regained some "emotional memories" (depression for me means feeling numb - so every emotion, even sadness, is very welcome) and was able to mourn a bit about my little canadian - yes, he's still an issue - what did you guys think?
Since yesterday I'm feeling nervous and can't concentrate. The usual numbness is back, the usual hopelessness also. I'm tired. I'm bored with my life.I'm still working as a freelancer alone at home all day, and I hate it. I feel so alone. I don't belong to anyone. I know, I need people around, and I need more structured days. I know I am on job hunt, so something will change one day, but I can't imagine it. It feels as if I will live this boring, lonely life forever.
If only I could identify the problem behind this depression. If only I could see the way I have to go to come out of it! But the reasons for my depression seem to be a whole bunch of problems, and I don't know where to start. Being alone too much. Loss of good friends. Strange boyfriend and relationship breakup. Being unsatisfied with my job. Some childhood stuff. But where to start? I feel as if I'm blocked, I can't move, and every time I know a bit more about one of the problems, every time I find a solution another problem appears.
And then, on a good day, I look at all these "tragic" problems and know: There is a solution for everything. The only real problem I have is this fog around my head that makes everything look dark and futile.
Please, help me out of the fog.
The racoon was a coati. A tamed one, who belonged to a person who abandoned him in the park. I saw him again today, with his long nose burrowed into the soil.
Love,
Luise.